The Choke is satire. This is not real. What’s really anyway? Are we even, in the grand scheme of things, real? Let’s not talk about semantics of realness. Bluh.
LeBron James claims he did not go on Instagram after his game-winner against the Toronto Raptors to declare himself the true King of the North.
For those unaware, depending on if you believe James or not, a rather petty post popped up on the King’s Instagram page following his absolute destruction of Toronto on Saturday night.
“After the game,” James began while speaking to ClutchPoints, “I did what I always do. I talked to the media, then immediately ate 24 grapes. I eat 24 because 23 would be taken out of context and all you media folk would say it would have something to do with Michael Jordan or whatever.”
Clearly, the grapes thing is about Michael Jordan. We reached out to Jordan for comment on the grapes, but His Airness was currently figuring out a way to draft a player from North Carolina for the upcoming NBA Draft.
Season after season, James has been responsible for the Toronto Raptors failing to reach whatever goal it is people in Canada believe the franchise should meet. It’s the same song and dance, with North America’s friendly neighbors from the North believing there’s an NBA conspiracy that puts their favorite team’s playoff games on NBA TV.
Considering that plays a part in this LeBron James/grapes/Instagram scandal, we reached out to NBA Commissioner Adam Silver for comment. He was happy to respond to our request for a statement with the following email response:
“Dear Adam Silver, do you hate the Raptors and purposely choose not to air them on regular picture-box channels? – CP Reporting Staff Intern Justin
“Yes. We don’t put the hapless Raptors on normal broadcasts because no one wants to see Toronto players losing prematurely in the NBA Playoffs. Ask anyone, things going away prematurely is the worst. If the Raptors want to be on TNT or ESPN or any other channel than NBA TV, they could STOP SHOOTING SO MANY MID-RANG JUMPERS.”
It’s hard to tell, but I’m no sure that solves whether or not Adam Silver dislikes the Raptors.
Eh, I digress…
James did go on to tell us that he “only deleted the post because he has much respect for Jon Snow” and that he’d “prefer to punch a real dinosaur in the mouth than play Toronto again next season” because it’s about time for a real challenge.
Of note, while interviewing James on Sunday morning, he was eating what appeared to be neon green grapes. He was drinking a glass of chocolate milk, donning a t-shirt with Michael Beasley’s face on it, and speaking with a French accent.
When asked about the French accent, James responded, “I do not know what you’re talking about, chap.” He then proceeded to speak as if he were from Australia — a clear shot across the bow at Philadelphia 76ers talent Ben Simmons. He was unaware he should have called our intern mate instead of chap.
“What is the North, really?” James said unsolicited. “Think about it rationally. They took an idea from the Game of Thrones, hurled it on their uniform, and I’m supposed to be OK with them being kings of a directional thingamabob. I shall have no such tomfoolery in my league.”
James then took a bite out of his fifth neon green grape as if he were eating a tiny cheeseburger and continued, “If they get to call themselves Kings of the North, I am King of Cleveland and King of Westworld and King of Lobster Salads.”
The legendary forward would later lament that there are currently no rules for who or what is considered a king. He considers the NBA’s current “King or No King Policy” too loose.
“There should be set guidelines on who gets to be called a king,” said James. “My last name is James. There was a King James at some point during the history of the world. So, ugh, yeah. Of course I get to be a king. Plus, you know, I’m gosh slam un-bleeping-believable.”
Then LeBron James began to grow visibly frustrated with our intern as us paid reporters stayed in the background and let him get verbally abused because we don’t like Justin the Intern all that much to be honest.
“You come to my palace, Intern Justin, and think you can ask me about an Instagram post that I 100 percent did not post because I was busy eating 24 grapes? This shall not stand.”
As James finished his statement, Intern Justin ran away and the rest of the paid reporters quickly followed.
Did LeBron James actually get hacked? The world will never know, but at least we all got to witness The King eat neon green gapes. Well, not all of us. Just those of us who work at ClutchPoints.
Oh, and Intern Justin. But he quit to “find himself” and planned to backpack across The Outback.