Author: Dillon Reagan

Dillon primarily works for the ClutchPoints app, but in his spare time he takes the company jet to cities around the contiguous United States reporting on serious matters such as "Is Brian Scalabrine a first-ballot Hall of Famer?"

RUMOR: Warriors considering deactivating Klay Thompson in favor of Fake Klay

“THE CHOKE is the parody side of ClutchPoints. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

OAKLAND—Despite all of Twitter anointing the Golden State Warriors as NBA Champions after taking a 12-0 lead over the Houston Rockets in Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals, the Beard & company clawed back to even the series at two games apiece.

In the closing seconds, All-Star Klay Thompson air-balled a fadeaway jumper from the wing that would’ve sent the game to overtime. He finished with a measly 10 points while shooting just over 30 percent from the field, and while he appeared to be hampered by a first-half knee injury, Dubs management is wasting no time making a change.

Exclusive sources tell The Choke that Golden State is closing in on signing Fake Klay while subsequently deactivating the real Klay for Game 5. Officials cited his extreme enthusiasm from the opening whistle in Game 4, in addition to his striking resemblance to Thompson, which they believe still makes him a viable decoy on the perimeter.

The move will save the Warriors approximately $259 million on their superteam luxury tax, as Fake Klay will be paid solely in ramen and Ghirardelli’s chocolates.

Fake Klay made his pitch to team management just moments after the completion of Game 4:

LeBron James Emails Raptors On How To Hire New Coach

“THE CHOKE is the parody side of ClutchPoints. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

TORONTO, ON — After another embarrassing defeat at the hands of LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Toronto Raptors decided to fire NBCA Coach of the Year Dwane Casey. The King is now 12-2 against the franchise in the playoffs, sweeping them in each of the last two seasons.

In conjunction with the Casey firing, James received a special advisor role with Toronto on Friday. Team officials cited LeBron spending an entire quarter practicing high-arching fadeaways just for the heck of it and another instructing the Raptors on how to run their own plays as admirable qualities they seek in a leader. They were also impressed by his giving attitude when he said “margaritas on me” to Drake upon taking a 3-0 series lead.

“LeBron James has demonstrated a greater understanding of Raptors basketball than any individual within the organization itself,” said Tim Leiweke, CEO of Maple Leaf Sports Network. “His altruism in helping our players execute sets properly says a lot about his character.”

LeBron has quickly assimilated to his new responsibilities, sending a detailed email memo instructing the Raptors’ front office on how to find their next head coach. Toronto believes James’ previous experience coaching the Cavs over the last four years and the Heat the four years before will help them pin down the perfect candidate for the vacancy.

“The Toronto Raptors have provided me with nothing but great memories over the years, and I just felt it was time to start giving back,” James told The Choke. “I’ve always put an emphasis on entertaining this great fanbase with highlight reel dunks and shots that they’d never see otherwise from their own sorry players, but I wanted to do more to say thanks.”

Sources tell The Choke that LeBron’s initial forecast model projects that the new coach he helps the Raptors hire will at least elevate the franchise to one win against James in next year’s playoffs, but the findings are not yet conclusive.

Paul George’s Daughter “Fed Up” with Russell Westbrook, Demands Transfer to LA School District

“THE CHOKE is the parody side of ClutchPoints. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

BEL AIR, LOS ANGELES — Following OKC’s embarrassing first-round loss to the Utah Jazz, rumors about Paul George’s future with the franchise returned to the hot stove. The 5-time All-Star has been linked to his hometown Los Angeles Lakers since last offseason, and there’s a growing belief he’ll head to Tinseltown this summer.

That notion heightened on Thursday afternoon when George reportedly pulled his daughter Olivia out of Heritage Hall a month before the end of the school year. The 4-year-old just wrapped up the standardized testing required in the state of the Oklahoma before entering kindergarten, but she still hasn’t taken her Peace And Conflict Resolution and Astrophysics finals.

Now, sources tell The Choke that it actually wasn’t Playoff P who took Olivia out of Heritage Hall. Rather, his daughter has demanded a transfer to the LA Unified School District after growing “fed up” with Russell Westbrook’s selfish play, which has made her father grow irritable at home.

Olivia tells The Choke that George regularly plays Fortnite rather than reading bedtime stories, no longer cuts her food before meals, and keeps a detailed statistical breakdown of “father-daughter” time, never exceeding the state’s required allotment (although she adds that he always makes sure to hit double-digits).

“I just want my dad back to normal,” said Olivia, who is already fielding scholarship offers from LA’s top private elementary schools. “He puts on a straight face for the cameras, but behind the scenes he’s miserable thanks to Uncle Russ. 43 shots in an elimination game? You’re not Jesus Shuttlesworth, and those weren’t the Monstars.

“I always have my daddy’s best interests in mind, and it’s time to get out of this toxic relationship.”

While it’s unclear which school Olivia will land with, exclusive sources tell us that the growing favorite is Notre Dame Prep, where LeBron James and his wife toured last September.

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