There you are, sitting on your futons with iPads or Samsung Galaxys in hand, waiting for the NBA Playoffs to begin. Twitter, SportsCenter and TNT with the fellas do their best to provide the latest and greatest concerning the hardwood, but ultimately come up short in the end.
Why? Well, it’s simple … none of the above have Rook Hoyle.
Thank the basketball gods for creating the wheeling and dealing scoop-master for he is bringing an NBA goodie to the table on the eve of Game 1 between the Cleveland Cavaliers and Toronto Raptors. (And yes, I even type in the third person.)
LeBron James is exhausted. Rook Hoyle understands it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that. It took seven long, hard-fought games for The King to take down the Indiana Pacers in the first round of the playoffs and your boy Rook has the fallout concerning just how disappointed the walking court king is with his Cavs teammates.
From blasting past performances to coaching future efforts, LeBron ain’t happy. Here are the insider quotes from Cavs shootaround.
5. Tristan Thompson
LeBron James: “Tristan, my guy. You know you’re my guy, but come on now … that Game 7 performance … is 10 rebounds all you got? I don’t care if Moses Malone somehow reverts back to his 24-year-old self and signs a 45-day contract with the Raptors. You better pull down at least 20 in Game 1 and when you do, don’t you dare look at the rim. Seriously, if you dribble, you better head right to the locker room and start showering. Pull that board down be in tune with LBJ. Find LBJ. Love LBJ. I’m leading the squad with 10 boards a game through the tournament. Step it up.
“Just think this … think of that loose ball as one more opportunity Khloe’ can make your life miserable. Grab that board before it happens.”
4. Tyronn Lue
LBJ: “Ty, you already know the signal. If I bend over, touch my nose three times after tugging on my shorts, that’s the sign that I may decide to take myself out of the game. But remember, that’s just a ‘maybe.’ As you know, that’s not a guarantee. Be prepared.
“Oh yeah, that reminds me, that quote the other day about ‘trying to be smart about monitoring my minutes’ … hell of a job playing the part. For Game 1, come in the locker room 20 minutes later than you usually do. I have a plan for the boys. I’ll let you know at halftime.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TonAjOTKDc
3. Jose Calderon
LBJ: “Yo, Jose … have my halftime snack and hydrating platform ready to go. We cannot afford another Game 3 mishap. Wait, wait, wait, in fact, leave the bench with two minutes on the second quarter clock to get that head start.”
2. J.R. Smith
LBJ: “J.R., what in the world are you doing? Is that a Big Mac?”
J.R.: “Yo, Bron, you gotta check this out. MJ and Larry once played for a Big Mac. It’s gotta be the ultimate NBA Playoffs food. I ordered four of ’em. You want?”
LBJ: “Just shoot better man and stop thinking. You’re gonna hurt yourself. This .313 field goal percentage ain’t gonna cut it. Start shooting the lights out or you’ll be shipped back to the Knicks. Or worse yet, the Thunder.”
1. Larry Nance Jr.
LBJ: “Larry, listen up … remember that controversial Kobe Bryant tweet back in the day? Well, guess what? My boy Kobe is locked and loaded. He has only one job on the night of Game 1 and it’s watching the game while sitting on Twitter. The sheer ideas this man had in bringing you and the Nance name down is amazing. It’s almost like he had these ideas already ready …
“Anyway, keep doing that bench thing or tomorrow morning, that Twitter account, email and phone is gonna be loaded with laughing emojis all your expense courtesy of one Kobe Bryant.”
Final Thoughts
How does one carry a team through the NBA Playoffs like LeBron has so many times with his talentless bunch around him? Now you know. When it comes to the ability labeled “leadership,” LeBron James is second to none.
“THE CHOKE is the parody side of ClutchPoints. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”
