Tag: Sixers

Sixers reject Carmelo Anthony deal after reading the fine print

According to numerous sources, including Dean Moriarty, the Sixers have refused to agree to a deal that would bring Carmelo Anthony to Philadelphia.

The reasoning? Well, ain’t I sure as sugar glad you asked! It’s due to the fine print.

Sources, including other various fictional characters from On The Road, have told The Choke the potential deal had some wording jumbled in the middle of the deal, reading as follows:

You, the almighty Sixers of City Brotherly Love, not only agree to bring in Melo of Mighty Buckets, but do see zero issues in forever employing him. More bluntly put, House The Process, there are no give backs.

Yikes!

Basically, for those unaware of how super serious contractual agreements work, Melo’s team is saying the Sixers can’t, under no circumstances, cut bait from the wayward forward. Apparently he’s sour by his most recent teams, who decided he was awful minutes upon revival.

In even simpler terms, this is like buying expired milk at the store, but the supermarket refusing to give you money back on the investment.

Carmelo Anthony is expired milk, I guess? Hooray, Sixers, for reading the fine print! If only I had done so with my iTunes account.

Ben Simmons claims he’s not a coward

“Just because I refuse to shoot from beyond the arc, it doesn’t make me a coward,” a tearful Ben Simmons told the Choke while hiding under a blanket watching highlight clips of Stephen Curry.

The electric Sixers point forward has come under heavy scrutiny the last few months over his inability to make a shot from behind the line. Or, more accurately, to even bother taking one. So far this season, Ben Simmons, in all this glory, has taken as many threes as you and I have.

You and I, mind you, aren’t even NBA players.

“Hogwash!” Simmons yelled when our intern suggested to “just try.”

“You see, down under, the three point line is actually a single foot away from the rim,” Ben Simmons tries to explain to us as he’s eating fermented cucumbers. “It isn’t that I’m not shooting threes. It’s that I am, but in Australia time… ya see?”

We don’t see.

For his career, Simmons has only taken 11 threes. To put that into context, your significant other likely cheated on you more times than the superstar has even attempted to take a three. Having made exactly zero of his attempts, for even more context, he scores as often beyond his range as you do at the bar during last call.

That’s right. I’m calling you ugly. But at least you’re not a coward like Ben Simmons.

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