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Ben Simmons claims he’s not a coward

Ben Simmons

“Just because I refuse to shoot from beyond the arc, it doesn’t make me a coward,” a tearful Ben Simmons told the Choke while hiding under a blanket watching highlight clips of Stephen Curry.

The electric Sixers point forward has come under heavy scrutiny the last few months over his inability to make a shot from behind the line. Or, more accurately, to even bother taking one. So far this season, Ben Simmons, in all this glory, has taken as many threes as you and I have.

You and I, mind you, aren’t even NBA players.

“Hogwash!” Simmons yelled when our intern suggested to “just try.”

“You see, down under, the three point line is actually a single foot away from the rim,” Ben Simmons tries to explain to us as he’s eating fermented cucumbers. “It isn’t that I’m not shooting threes. It’s that I am, but in Australia time… ya see?”

We don’t see.

For his career, Simmons has only taken 11 threes. To put that into context, your significant other likely cheated on you more times than the superstar has even attempted to take a three. Having made exactly zero of his attempts, for even more context, he scores as often beyond his range as you do at the bar during last call.

That’s right. I’m calling you ugly. But at least you’re not a coward like Ben Simmons.