Kawhi Leonard Archives

Kawhi Leonard’s Uncle Pissed At Raptors’ Winning Mentality, Trade Imminent

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

The latest whispers coming out of Toronto claim Kawhi Leonard has an uncle who is angry over the Raptors’ winning mentality. Furthermore, a trade is imminent.

Our source comes from Reddit user NotKawhiUncleLeonard2030203Unicorn. Below is his post:

Why are the Raptors winning whenever Kawhi doesn’t play? How dare them! I’ve heard, and listen I’m not the uncle of Kawhi Leonard or anything, that his uncle is angry. Pissed, even. The sort of made that will force a trade from the cosmos.

The buzz around this Reddit posting has become so loud, Kawhi Leonard has been forced to address the situation.

“Reddit?” Leonard asked.

Then a bunch of inaudible noises came from the hole in his mouth — also, we believe his ear holes — in which we don’t feel qualified enough to decipher. He did, however, take a bite out of a bologna sandwich when the noises subsided.

This all comes off reports the Raptors are willing to move the entire franchise to Los Angeles to keep the star.

When The Choke reached out directly to Leonard’s uncle, he claimed the Internet isn’t real and that Al Gore is actually a robot ghost sent from the future to trick is into thinking we’re not in The Matrix. Apparently, he believes the trilogy is a documentary.

REPORT: Raptors plan to move to Los Angeles to keep Kawhi Leonard

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

According to a report from a totally real person named Bob Smith Jr., the Toronto Raptors will attempt to move the franchise to Los Angeles in order to keep Kawhi Leonard.

From Bob Smith’s 100 percent real Twitter:

How this report is not picking up more steam, the Choke does not yet know.

However, our own sources have indicated Kawhi Leonard does indeed like warm weather. In fact, in a scientific study done by the University of Broken Dreams, it was found 93 percent of living members of the human species prefer warm weather to that of cold, bitter and dark nights.

That being said, in that same study, it was found reanimated corpses (re: the dead coming back to relative life) prefer cold weather at a 10-to-1 ratio. We bring up the reanimated corpses portion of the study only because it is not currently known if Leonard is a human, robot or a reanimated corpse.

There is no study on what sort of climate robots prefer.

When reached out for comment, Leonard responded by punching our intern in the face with a lobster claw, declaring himself ruler of the six kingdoms.

For those unaware, the six kingdoms are not real, though the Raptors will make it so if it means keeping the superstar.

Breaking: Kawhi Leonard announces retirement from Spurs

The long-term success of the San Antonio Spurs took a major blow on Sunday morning when Kawhi Leonard took to Twitter to announce his retirement from the NBA.

Leonard has been dealing with a quad injury that hasn’t seemed to get better. He had been cleared by team doctors but not his own personal doctors.

He had just returned to New York to continue to train and see his doctor and according to Marc Spears of The Undefeated, his doctor told him it was something that would never improve and the pain would continue to always be there.

Leonard has now decided he doesn’t want to deal with the pain and instead will move on from the San Antonio Spurs and the game of basketball.

This is the final breaking point between the Spurs and Leonard and their relationship, something that has had issues for some time.

For the Spurs, it actually isn’t that surprising that he has decided to retire, as Spears reports. During their players only meeting a couple of weeks ago some players actually told Leonard that the best step for him to take was to just retire and not come back to the team. He has been too much of a distraction for too long, and some players were ready to move on.

It seems that Leonard has taken the advice of his doctors, and some of his teammates and has hung up the sneakers for good.

April Fool’s! Kawhi Leonard is not retiring and hopefully will be back on the court playing for the Spurs soon.