Kyrie Irving Archives

Kyrie Irving sets up shooting lessons for teammates with Carmelo Anthony

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Superstar Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving is enlisting the help of Carmelo Anthony to ensure his teammates become better at shooting.

Boston is currently ranked 28th in the NBA in field goal percentage, only making .428 percent of their attempts from the floor. Carmelo Anthony is only making .405 percent of his attempts, but Kyrie Irving doesn’t want that to distract you from the point.

“We’re not really having Melo teach the guys,” Kyrie told The Choke. “We’re having both Olympic Melo and Hoodie Melo come in to teach these young members of the human species to shoot jumpers.”

“I’m great at hoops,” Olympic Melo said.

“I’m even better at hoops,” Hoodie Melo told The Choke.

“I am Melo,” said run-of-the-mill Carmelo Anthony.

Nevertheless, the Celtics haven’t been playing as well as most projected before the season began. Maybe an injection of non-normal Melo will be good for the team. Fans have long asked what-if involving Hoodie and Olympic Melo, in regard to either version showing up in the NBA as a player, but those days are dead. Instead, we all know normal Melo is here forever… and he stinks.

Still, maybe the two alternative Melo’s will make for a fine shooting coach?

A source did tell The Choke that the first practice involving the Celtics and Melo resulted in this message being yelled across the gym:

“Shoot if you’re open. Shoot if you’re guarded. But whatever you do, don’t fail to shoot just because you’re bad at taking jumpers.”

Logic seems sound.

Report: Danny Ainge threatens Kyrie Irving with acquiring LeBron James if he doesn’t change stance on polarizing Earth topic

According to a report, Danny Ainge has threatened Kyrie Irving with a potential trade for LeBron James this offseason if he doesn’t play in the Eastern Conference Finals.

The Wizard of All Trades — that’s Ainge, by the way — might also be looking to acquire LeBron James’ son, but those details remain murky. Anyway… this is a satire post.

This is according to ESPN’s Stugotz, who relayed the news on the mean streets of Twitter.

However, according to a different report, this one from The Disney Channel’s Ben Savage, Ainge is actually threatening to trade for LeBron James if Kryie Irving doesn’t admit the world is round.

Kyrie Irving was reached out to for comment, and while he did say “I have a lot to say on this” he would then only share the following emoji: (#127758#)

He would follow that up with, “If the Earth were round, in more than one-dimension, why is its Internet emoji flat — nearly without shape?”

Good point, former Duke Blue Devils guard.

How in the world did he get in Duke? Is there a class taught there by Kanye West?

After reaching out to the Celtics for comment, Ainge ignored our initial requests, but after eventually convincing ClutchPoints to send them 30 percent of our revenue for 23 years as well as Todd in exchange for information on the topic, he told us that “you guys must be drunk” and “it isn’t Scary Terry, but Scarrence Terrence.”

There we have It, folks. You know It. Whatever It is?

I think, possibly, I just pooped myself a little.

Exclusive convo: LeBron James reaches out to Kyrie Irving after season-ending injury

“THE CHOKE is the parody side of ClutchPoints. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

The only thing available to you, the fan, is what’s announced publicly. It rarely amounts to much. These world-class athletes don’t only fly by defying physics, they remain extremely smart off the court as well (in this crazed media-driven world of sports).

But hey, your boy Rook Hoyle has you covered.

My sources came through with a gem as LeBron James called his former showrunner, Kyrie Irving, to express his condolences (and much more) on the awful news of his season-ending surgery that’ll surely doom the Boston Celtics 2018 NBA Playoffs run.

LeBron James: “Hey Kyrie, what up?”

Kyrie James: “Man, hey LeBron … you know what up.”

LB: “Yeah, I just heard the news, man. Hey, hold on for a sec.” (Indistinct chuckles among a few individuals in the background.)

KI: “Yo, LeBron, you have me on speakerphone? You know how I hate that. Remember that night in San Antonio? Is that people laughing? Who’s laughing? Where are you?”

LB: “Oh, no, no, man. It’s all good. Something happened on the TV. It’s just my family. We’re playing Hungry-Hungry Hippos, watching a little Netflix.”

KI: “Alright.”

LB: “Where are you?”

KI: “Man, I’m all messed up. Nursing this knee, getting ready for that knife on Saturday,” (referring to his season-ending surgery).

LB: ” ……. ” (Indistinct “No more Boston” chant in the background.)

KI: “Yo, is that Kevin (Love)?” Man, what the hell’s he doing there? I thought it was just your family?

LB: “Kevin? Who, Love? No. Get outta here, man. What kind of strong-ass medication they have you on already? You’re hearing things. It’s just me and my family.”

Anyway, just wanted to give a should and let you know how sorry I am about this thing. Seven-point-four seconds left in the game and you get hurt? Come on, man. In Houston. Rough, man.”

KI: “Yeah.”

LB: “Wouldn’t have happened if you just stayed in The Land.”

KI: “What?!”

LB: “Oh, you know what I mean. Just saying, I always had your back. No way your knee would have betrayed you if I was still your guy.”

KI: “What the hell are you talking about Bron?”

LB: “Anyway, I gotta get back to this ‘No More Boston’ party … yo, Kevin, pass me the Funyons!”

KI: “Yo, what?! You said Love ain’t there.”

LB: “Oh no, man. That’s (Kevin) Hart. He about to talk about that one time he and Shaq went to Cabo and they did that thing I was telling you about … ”

KI: “He playing Hungry-Hungry Hippos too?”

LB: “Good catching up. Gotta go, man. Stay healthy.”

KI: ” … ”

Your man Rook has the audio transcripts of this very conversation, but for legal reasons, it cannot be shared or embedded anywhere. The dialogue alone proves that LeBron James is not only the one of the greatest of all-time, he’s a caring individual who loves all current and former teammates.

Once a LeBron teammate, forever one.