Derrick Rose Admits To Addiction, Causing Enhanced Performance
“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”
Derrick Rose has been doing pretty well lately, leaving plenty of fans in confusion over how he’s returned to playing at such an excellent level. According to the Wolves star, it isn’t due to some sort of neat workout regimen. Instead, it’s because he’s gaining powers from wearing costumes of himself.
“You see it’s all in believing in yourself like Batman,” Derrick Rose told The Choke. “So, each new morning, after having a cup of chocolate milk, I wear a Derrick Rose costume, pretend to be the MVP version of myself, resulting in my confidence shooting up to other-worldly levels.”
He would then go on to claim that he, while wearing costumes of himself, gains those superpowers through something called vegetables. When pressed on that idea, since vegetables is a food and not a galactic power-giver, Rose claimed vegetables as we know them have forever been a lie.
This story doesn’t end happily, though. Derrick Rose does admit he’s addicted to wearing these costumes.
“Sometimes my friends want to go out for a night on the town, yeah? But 2018 Derrick Rose is only OK. But if I put on that 2010 Derrick Rose costume, hey now!”
Rose then leaves our interview with his head down, saddened over the fact Father Time has apparently passed him by, but not his costumes.
“I’m going to go eat some Dinosaurs now. Please leave me be.”