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The Choke

Report: Rockets paying Jeff Bzdelik to teach Carmelo Anthony defense in human souls


According to a report, the Houston Rockets had to offer Jeff Bzdelik human souls and sacrifices in order to convince him to come out of retirement to teach defense to Carmelo Anthony.

A source tells The Choke that when the Rockets approached Bzdelik to come out of retirement, in an effort to help with their struggling defense, the respected assistant scoffed at the idea, telling ownership, “You’d have to pay me in human souls to get me to try to teach Melo defense at this point in his career.”

Another source, one with firsthand information, said the Rockets quickly sprang into action. Supposedly, the team — spearheaded by Chris Paul — grabbed an intern and laid him out at center court, sacrificing his life to the devil in order to get this deal done.

While we’ve yet to obtain a video, it is said chants of “Bring back Jeff Bzdelik” and “Melo and the D, Melo and the D” could be heard from outside of the franchise’s practice facility.

It’s worth noting the Rockets are denying any such agreement between them, Bzdelik and the devil. Instead, they’ve released the following statement:

We can’t tell what that is supposed to mean.

Nevertheless, even a deal with the devil won’t get Anthony to play competent defense. Not in 2018. Not in this economy.