All the talk after Game 1 of the NBA Finals circles around Cavs legend J.R. Smith. And, by legend, we mean the guy who is as known for laying the pipe as he is at being a volume-shooter.
Late in Cleveland’s game against the Golden State Warriors on Thursday evening, Smith appeared to forget his surroundings. Not realizing the score or time remaining on the game-clock, he began to head toward the middle of the hardwood as his Cavs desperately needed a bucket.
Don’t believe me on this here website? Here is the wonderful bean footage:
This lack of awareness has resulted in something the kids call memes. It pictures LeBron James looking like his brain is attempting to escape his cranium while Smith is dribbling in the wrong direction.
After Game 1, Tyronn Lue claimed Smith did not know the score. For his part, Smith said he did.
That appeared to be the end of it… until ClutchPoints investigative intern Justin made a telephone call to Smith to find out more information.
“J.R. Smith? It’s Justin the intern.”
“Henny!”
“What?”
“I saw a bottle of Hennessy… that’s why I was going in the wrong direction.”
Safe to say, given how poorly J.R. Smith has been shooting in the playoffs, maybe this love of booze is why he is having such a hard time laying the pipe.
That’s what she said?
Anyway, did you guys know that there was a guy named LeBron James who put up a 50-burger on Thursday night? You’d think more people would be talking about that.
In a stunning revelation first discovered by me, Cleveland Cavaliers forward Kevin Love admits that he purposely stepped on the hardwood during Game 1 of the NBA Finals to avoid being yelled at by LeBron James in Game 2.
For those unaware, during Game 1 of Cleveland losing to Golden State by way of a replay booth and J.R. Smith not knowing how math works, Kevin Love’s body was on the floor when he wasn’t legally allowed to be. Per NBA rules, that should mean an automatic suspension for Game 2.
Here is the video that shows the Lovester hanging around beyond the arc:
The only Cavs player usually left that open is Jordan Clarkson.
Anyway, Kevin Love called me after the game to explain why this supposed brain-fart was actually done on purpose.
“Hey, it is K-Love.”
That is how the conversation got started. We started to talk about the Beach Boys for a little, then I asked him why he did what he did. This is how he responded.
“Well, totally real person interviewing me,” Kevin Love started. “You see, LeBron James can sometimes yell and be mean. He can’t, however, do that when you’re not playing. So, as a preemptive strike, I figured I would just get suspended for Game 2, then avoid the wrath of the King.”
Love would later go on to tell me, the person who is totally real, that he hasn’t heard from the NBA, but is hoping he is suspended in enough time to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some bagged peas.
“Yeah, man.” Love said in an excited fashion. “Peas are the bomb {bleeping} dot com!”
According to a report, Danny Ainge has threatened Kyrie Irving with a potential trade for LeBron James this offseason if he doesn’t play in the Eastern Conference Finals.
The Wizard of All Trades — that’s Ainge, by the way — might also be looking to acquire LeBron James’ son, but those details remain murky. Anyway… this is a satire post.
This is according to ESPN’s Stugotz, who relayed the news on the mean streets of Twitter.
However, according to a different report, this one from The Disney Channel’s Ben Savage, Ainge is actually threatening to trade for LeBron James if Kryie Irving doesn’t admit the world is round.
Kyrie Irving was reached out to for comment, and while he did say “I have a lot to say on this” he would then only share the following emoji: (#127758#)
He would follow that up with, “If the Earth were round, in more than one-dimension, why is its Internet emoji flat — nearly without shape?”
Good point, former Duke Blue Devils guard.
How in the world did he get in Duke? Is there a class taught there by Kanye West?
After reaching out to the Celtics for comment, Ainge ignored our initial requests, but after eventually convincing ClutchPoints to send them 30 percent of our revenue for 23 years as well as Todd in exchange for information on the topic, he told us that “you guys must be drunk” and “it isn’t Scary Terry, but Scarrence Terrence.”
There we have It, folks. You know It. Whatever It is?
There you are, sitting on your futons with iPads or Samsung Galaxys in hand, waiting for the NBA Playoffs to begin. Twitter, SportsCenter and TNT with the fellas do their best to provide the latest and greatest concerning the hardwood, but ultimately come up short in the end.
Why? Well, it’s simple … none of the above have Rook Hoyle.
Thank the basketball gods for creating the wheeling and dealing scoop-master for he is bringing an NBA goodie to the table on the eve of Game 1 between the Cleveland Cavaliers and Toronto Raptors. (And yes, I even type in the third person.)
LeBron James is exhausted. Rook Hoyle understands it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that. It took seven long, hard-fought games for The King to take down the Indiana Pacers in the first round of the playoffs and your boy Rook has the fallout concerning just how disappointed the walking court king is with his Cavs teammates.
From blasting past performances to coaching future efforts, LeBron ain’t happy. Here are the insider quotes from Cavs shootaround.
5. Tristan Thompson
LeBron James: “Tristan, my guy. You know you’re my guy, but come on now … that Game 7 performance … is 10 rebounds all you got? I don’t care if Moses Malone somehow reverts back to his 24-year-old self and signs a 45-day contract with the Raptors. You better pull down at least 20 in Game 1 and when you do, don’t you dare look at the rim. Seriously, if you dribble, you better head right to the locker room and start showering. Pull that board down be in tune with LBJ. Find LBJ. Love LBJ. I’m leading the squad with 10 boards a game through the tournament. Step it up.
“Just think this … think of that loose ball as one more opportunity Khloe’ can make your life miserable. Grab that board before it happens.”
Cleveland Cavaliers coach Tyronn Lue answers questions during a news conference before an NBA basketball game between the Chicago Bulls and the Cavaliers, Saturday, Jan. 23, 2016, in Cleveland. (AP Photo/Tony Dejak)
4. Tyronn Lue
LBJ: “Ty, you already know the signal. If I bend over, touch my nose three times after tugging on my shorts, that’s the sign that I may decide to take myself out of the game. But remember, that’s just a ‘maybe.’ As you know, that’s not a guarantee. Be prepared.
“Oh yeah, that reminds me, that quote the other day about ‘trying to be smart about monitoring my minutes’ … hell of a job playing the part. For Game 1, come in the locker room 20 minutes later than you usually do. I have a plan for the boys. I’ll let you know at halftime.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TonAjOTKDc
3. Jose Calderon
LBJ: “Yo, Jose … have my halftime snack and hydrating platform ready to go. We cannot afford another Game 3 mishap. Wait, wait, wait, in fact, leave the bench with two minutes on the second quarter clock to get that head start.”
2. J.R. Smith
LBJ: “J.R., what in the world are you doing? Is that a Big Mac?”
J.R.: “Yo, Bron, you gotta check this out. MJ and Larry once played for a Big Mac. It’s gotta be the ultimate NBA Playoffs food. I ordered four of ’em. You want?”
LBJ: “Just shoot better man and stop thinking. You’re gonna hurt yourself. This .313 field goal percentage ain’t gonna cut it. Start shooting the lights out or you’ll be shipped back to the Knicks. Or worse yet, the Thunder.”
1. Larry Nance Jr.
LBJ: “Larry, listen up … remember that controversial Kobe Bryant tweet back in the day? Well, guess what? My boy Kobe is locked and loaded. He has only one job on the night of Game 1 and it’s watching the game while sitting on Twitter. The sheer ideas this man had in bringing you and the Nance name down is amazing. It’s almost like he had these ideas already ready …
“Anyway, keep doing that bench thing or tomorrow morning, that Twitter account, email and phone is gonna be loaded with laughing emojis all your expense courtesy of one Kobe Bryant.”
Final Thoughts
How does one carry a team through the NBA Playoffs like LeBron has so many times with his talentless bunch around him? Now you know. When it comes to the ability labeled “leadership,” LeBron James is second to none.
“THE CHOKE is the parody side of ClutchPoints. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”
In a shocking development coming out of the NBA this morning, Kobe Bryant has told Adrian Wojnarowski of ESPN that he will be coming out of retirement to join LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. He is expected to sign his contract on Sunday and should be available to play soon after.
The Cavaliers’ next game is on Tuesday against the Toronto Raptors and Bryant is expected to play 15 or 20 minutes in the game as he tries to get geared up for the playoffs.
For Bryant, the reason he wanted to come out of retirement was simple, he wants ring No. 6. Wojnarowski talked with Bryant about his return:
“I still feel like I have a lot left to give, and I wanted to go to a contender. I think I can be the missing piece that the Cavaliers need to get past the Warriors or Rockets and win the title. Jordan has six titles, and to be the best you have to at least match him. I want to be known as the best and getting the sixth title this year will push me over the edge.”
For Bryant, it’s an interesting choice to join the Cavaliers. He had offers from both the Houston Rockets and the Golden State Warriors but he decided that the Cavaliers gave him the best chance.
“I had many offers to come back to the NBA but the Cavaliers felt like the best fit. I can come in right away and be the clear number two option behind LeBron. Not only do I want to win I want to be remembered as a huge part of winning the title, something I’m not sure could have happened in Golden State or Houston.”
With Bryant on board, the Cavaliers are now the clear favorite in the Eastern Conference and have really closed the gap on the Western Conference teams. It should make for an exciting next couple of months around the NBA.
April Fool’s! Of course, Kobe Bryant isn’t coming out of retirement anytime soon, as much as we all wish he would.
