Cavs Archives - The Choke

Zion Williamson facing blame for Cavs slow start

For some ungodly reason, Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert is blaming Duke Blue Devils star Zion Williamson for the team’s iffy start to the season.

There’s no actual basis for why, according to sources. A team insider has told The Choke, however, it’s simply an effort by Dan Gilbert to use Zion Williamson to avoid any form of accountability.

For those unaware, Gilbert is likely best known as the guy who found NBA success by being lucky enough to have had LeBron James born within the proximity of his franchise. When LeBron is not with the Cavs, Cleveland is an abomination to all the senses.

Seriously. Imagine if LeBron was born in like Scranton, Pennsylvania instead of Akron. How awful would the Dan Gilbert era be then?

Zion Williamson has released a statement to our wonderful publication around these allegations by the Cavs owner.

“What the hell is a Dan Gilbert,” Zion asked The Choke. “Cleveland seems like a nice enough city… to leave.”

Obviously, the standout Duke talent is not attempting to endear himself to the city.

“Thank god I wasn’t born near Cleveland,” Zion Williamson said. “For real. LeBron had to be loyal to his neighboring city because of logistical semantics?!”

For his part, Dan Gilbert released a 33,000 word response. It wasn’t in comic sans, either. Instead, he cut individual letters out of magazines. We felt it best to not relay his statement, though, as there’s random nudes of himself in there.

Yuck.

Dan Gilbert looking to hire Michael Keaton as next Cavs coach, believes he’s actually Batman

Plenty of people have long speculated Dan Gilbert lacks any true roots in a reality based world, but few saw this coming. Whispers are coming out of the Cavs organization about Gilbert’s ideal next head coach.

Kaplow!

It’s Batman!

Kind of.

Michael Keaton, the best Batman ever, isn’t a basketball coach. Nor is he Batman in his real life. And yet, the Cavs owner believes he’s actually The Caped Crusader, and would like him to man the helm in Cleveland next season.

Kaplooey!

The Choke has yet to verify the reports from our own sources, though that’s likely due to their fears about Dan Gilbert possibly eating them whole. He’s long been known as a cannibal, which makes this marriage all the more stunning.

Wazaam!

Despite Keaton’s best efforts to let Gilbert know he’s not actually Batman, the owner simply believes the star of Mr. Mom is trying to hide his identity.

When Christian Bale was reached out to for comment, he said, “Adam West, as well as the comics, is the variation of Batman with all those mostly fake words like wazaam, you idiots.”

We usually allow Christian Bale to read all copies of The Choke posts before they go live.

Snickers bar!

We will keep you updated as more information rises to the surface like Danny DeVito in Batman 2: The Bat’ening.

Tristan Thompson just wanted to go to a Hookah Bar

Tristan Thompson found himself ejected from Game 1 of the NBA Finals, but he’s really cool with it, because he wanted to be at a Hookah Bar anyway.

“I’m not saying I did it on purpose.” Tristan Thompson told the totally not a satire website The Choke. “That being said, I did have a reservation at one of the Bay Area’s finest Hookah Bars.”

While Thompson never said which specific smoking lounge he was referring to, a source told us that he was referencing Steph’s Smoking Circus Of Oh Whatever It’s Drugs Man — one of the most popular Hookah Lounges in the country.

“The game was close and all of that jazz, but when life hands you lemons, you have to smoke’em.”

For those unaware, Thompson being ejected from the game was like the ninth weirdest part of Game 1. J.R. Smith had a gaffe for the ages, as he didn’t realize the score; and there was the entire thing about the refs using the replay system to define what a block/charge call happens to be.

“Did you know, that when it snows, my eyes become wide and the light that you shine can be seen…” Thompson said before screaming, “BABY!”

Who knows what awaits the Cavs as the NBA Finals heads to Game 2? Not me. Not you. Certainly not Thompson.

At least we do know, or can safely assume, he’s a huge fan of Seal. And, ugh, who isn’t?

The basketball never sleeps and the Seal should not be trifled with. So say we all.

LeBron James to limit Tyronn Lue’s minutes in Game 6

After a disastrous decision in Game 5, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James will limit Tyronn Lue’s minutes in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

For those unaware, after averaging 13 points on 65 percent shooting in Games 2-4 of the series, Kyle Korver played only 19 minutes in Cleveland’s Game 5 loss. Of relevant note, half of those whopping 19 minutes came when the Cavs trailed by as many as 21 points in the fourth quarter.

That’s right. Kyle Korver was getting his in scrub time.

Lue claimed he had his reasons. He said as much after the game:

Celtics coach Brad Stevens “has been putting [Semi] Ojeleye in, so that’s been kind of Kyle’s matchup when he comes in the game. He didn’t play him tonight, so it kind of threw us for a loop. But we got Bron out with two-and-a-half minutes, and at the start of the fourth he wasn’t ready to go. The same thing happened I think Game 1 or 2; I can’t remember.”

LeBron James is unhappy about his friend — and Ashton Kutcher cosplay fanatic — not seeing enough time on the hardwood because… Semi bleeping Ojeleye. In turn, he has informed his head coach that he will only be allowed to coach 12 minutes in Game 6.

That is a full four minutes less than the 16 LeBron normally allots Lue.

James, who already coaches all the minutes save for those 16 usually reserved for Lue, will pick up that four-minute slack. No big deal, James told The Choke intern Justin:

“Justin, I am already the real GM, head coach and owner of the Cavs anyway.”

Lue was hiding behind a shopping cart during Justin’s interview with James. He appeared to be happy that LeBron did not hurl him under the bus.

“I mean, I would (hurl him under the bus).” James said. “Then again, I haven’t found a bus moving fast enough yet.

Someone please keep Tyronn Lue away from buses for the foreseeable future. I worry about him.

The Choke: LeBron James texts Victor Oladipo 16 seconds after he texts his trainer

LeBron James evaded a potential first-round disaster. The Cavaliers escaped a relentless Pacers team by four points to capture their fourth win in the series.

16 minutes after the game, Pacers star Victor Oladipo texted his trainer, asking when they’ll start training for next season. 16 seconds after that text, while still connected to Quicken Loans Arena wifi, Oladipo received a text from James. The following is a leaked transcript of their conversation.

16 minutes and 16 seconds after a hard-fought series, and the two leading scorers for their franchises have only the utmost respect for each other.

“THE CHOKE is the parody side of ClutchPoints. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Exclusive convo: LeBron James reaches out to Kyrie Irving after season-ending injury

“THE CHOKE is the parody side of ClutchPoints. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

The only thing available to you, the fan, is what’s announced publicly. It rarely amounts to much. These world-class athletes don’t only fly by defying physics, they remain extremely smart off the court as well (in this crazed media-driven world of sports).

But hey, your boy Rook Hoyle has you covered.

My sources came through with a gem as LeBron James called his former showrunner, Kyrie Irving, to express his condolences (and much more) on the awful news of his season-ending surgery that’ll surely doom the Boston Celtics 2018 NBA Playoffs run.

LeBron James: “Hey Kyrie, what up?”

Kyrie James: “Man, hey LeBron … you know what up.”

LB: “Yeah, I just heard the news, man. Hey, hold on for a sec.” (Indistinct chuckles among a few individuals in the background.)

KI: “Yo, LeBron, you have me on speakerphone? You know how I hate that. Remember that night in San Antonio? Is that people laughing? Who’s laughing? Where are you?”

LB: “Oh, no, no, man. It’s all good. Something happened on the TV. It’s just my family. We’re playing Hungry-Hungry Hippos, watching a little Netflix.”

KI: “Alright.”

LB: “Where are you?”

KI: “Man, I’m all messed up. Nursing this knee, getting ready for that knife on Saturday,” (referring to his season-ending surgery).

LB: ” ……. ” (Indistinct “No more Boston” chant in the background.)

KI: “Yo, is that Kevin (Love)?” Man, what the hell’s he doing there? I thought it was just your family?

LB: “Kevin? Who, Love? No. Get outta here, man. What kind of strong-ass medication they have you on already? You’re hearing things. It’s just me and my family.”

Anyway, just wanted to give a should and let you know how sorry I am about this thing. Seven-point-four seconds left in the game and you get hurt? Come on, man. In Houston. Rough, man.”

KI: “Yeah.”

LB: “Wouldn’t have happened if you just stayed in The Land.”

KI: “What?!”

LB: “Oh, you know what I mean. Just saying, I always had your back. No way your knee would have betrayed you if I was still your guy.”

KI: “What the hell are you talking about Bron?”

LB: “Anyway, I gotta get back to this ‘No More Boston’ party … yo, Kevin, pass me the Funyons!”

KI: “Yo, what?! You said Love ain’t there.”

LB: “Oh no, man. That’s (Kevin) Hart. He about to talk about that one time he and Shaq went to Cabo and they did that thing I was telling you about … ”

KI: “He playing Hungry-Hungry Hippos too?”

LB: “Good catching up. Gotta go, man. Stay healthy.”

KI: ” … ”

Your man Rook has the audio transcripts of this very conversation, but for legal reasons, it cannot be shared or embedded anywhere. The dialogue alone proves that LeBron James is not only the one of the greatest of all-time, he’s a caring individual who loves all current and former teammates.

Once a LeBron teammate, forever one.