Carmelo Anthony Archives

Washed up Carmelo Anthony to join algorithm based sketch show Saturday Night Live

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Now that his time with the Houston Rockets has gone the way of the dinosaurs, it appears Carmelo Anthony is set to join the cast of Saturday Night Live.

This comes after apparent mutual interest. Supposedly, the idea is rather simple. Carmelo Anthony is washed. Saturday Night Live — a sketch show that’s basically for old white divorced dads in their late 30s — is an algorithm based comedy show. With Melo trending and washed, while SNL is forever tending for being washed, the fit is perfect.

That’s not to say SNL is awful for the entire program. It’s just that the broadcast usually focuses on everyone’s least favorite comedians, traffics in whatever is trending on Twitter, and is often times so smarmy it goes over the heads of viewers.

This isn’t even a deal where people hate the cast in real time, but will later applaud it for being awesome. It’s that the cast is actually pretty solid, but Lorne Michaels buries some of the better talent in the name of forcing the same sketch variations over and over and over.

The exact role Carmelo Anthony is to play is not yet known. However, give his reputation as a volume-shooter who misses a bunch, he’ll fit right in with Saturday Night Live’s sketches-to-actually-being funny ratio.

Carmelo Anthony wants trade to Suns to win Most Valuable Choker award

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Carmelo Anthony is seeking a trade from the Houston Rockets to the Phoenix Suns in order to claim a prestigious individual award.

Without having a realistic chance to ever win an MVP, or be considered legitimately good again, Melo is trying to position for a run at Most Valuable Choker.

You might be asking yourself, what is the MVC? And wouldn’t he be more likely to receive it by choking on a good team with expectations to win?

To answer your first question: The award goes to someone with relatively high expectations, who fails to achieve them.

As for your second question: You’re right, but no one has ever confused Carmelo Anthony with a brain surgeon, now have they?

Sources have told The Choke that Carmelo Anthony believes if he were to join the Suns he could start, shoot more shots, miss more shots, and be more of an overall debacle, thus increasing his chances at winning the award.

However, other sources have indicated it more likely puts him in position to win the Lifetime Melo Achievement award, which goes to people named Melo who are objectively bad at basketball.

Carmelo Anthony says he finally gave the Thunder fans what they wanted

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

After Carmelo Anthony returned to Oklahoma City to play the Thunder, the veteran forward said his performance was intended to finally give the fanbase a form of pleasure.

Anthony went 1-11 from the floor, finishing with just 2 points and one of the worst games of his career.

“When I was with the Thunder, I was bad,” Carmelo Anthony said after the game. “It left OKC fans angry. However, I promised them I’d make them happy when I initially got here. It took a minute, and a switch of teams, but now they have to love me.”

He’s not wrong, either. The Choke spoke to Thunder superfan Nish Patel after the game. He was excited.

“Finally, Melo gave us a positive,” Patel told The Choke. “He was even worse tonight than he was when he was with us. He did leave me happy. Carmelo Anthony is a man of his word.”

As for the Rockets, they are less than thrilled that neither Hoodie or Olympic Melo showed up with run-of-the-mill Melo to Houston.

“I kept seeing fans say stuff about if only Olympic or Hoodie Melo came to the NBA,” Chris Paul said. “I should have drowned him while on that (bleeping) banana boat.”

Yes, Chris Paul. Yes you should have.

Kyrie Irving sets up shooting lessons for teammates with Carmelo Anthony

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Superstar Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving is enlisting the help of Carmelo Anthony to ensure his teammates become better at shooting.

Boston is currently ranked 28th in the NBA in field goal percentage, only making .428 percent of their attempts from the floor. Carmelo Anthony is only making .405 percent of his attempts, but Kyrie Irving doesn’t want that to distract you from the point.

“We’re not really having Melo teach the guys,” Kyrie told The Choke. “We’re having both Olympic Melo and Hoodie Melo come in to teach these young members of the human species to shoot jumpers.”

“I’m great at hoops,” Olympic Melo said.

“I’m even better at hoops,” Hoodie Melo told The Choke.

“I am Melo,” said run-of-the-mill Carmelo Anthony.

Nevertheless, the Celtics haven’t been playing as well as most projected before the season began. Maybe an injection of non-normal Melo will be good for the team. Fans have long asked what-if involving Hoodie and Olympic Melo, in regard to either version showing up in the NBA as a player, but those days are dead. Instead, we all know normal Melo is here forever… and he stinks.

Still, maybe the two alternative Melo’s will make for a fine shooting coach?

A source did tell The Choke that the first practice involving the Celtics and Melo resulted in this message being yelled across the gym:

“Shoot if you’re open. Shoot if you’re guarded. But whatever you do, don’t fail to shoot just because you’re bad at taking jumpers.”

Logic seems sound.