All the talk after Game 1 of the NBA Finals circles around Cavs legend J.R. Smith. And, by legend, we mean the guy who is as known for laying the pipe as he is at being a volume-shooter.
Late in Cleveland’s game against the Golden State Warriors on Thursday evening, Smith appeared to forget his surroundings. Not realizing the score or time remaining on the game-clock, he began to head toward the middle of the hardwood as his Cavs desperately needed a bucket.
Don’t believe me on this here website? Here is the wonderful bean footage:
This lack of awareness has resulted in something the kids call memes. It pictures LeBron James looking like his brain is attempting to escape his cranium while Smith is dribbling in the wrong direction.
After Game 1, Tyronn Lue claimed Smith did not know the score. For his part, Smith said he did.
That appeared to be the end of it… until ClutchPoints investigative intern Justin made a telephone call to Smith to find out more information.
“J.R. Smith? It’s Justin the intern.”
“Henny!”
“What?”
“I saw a bottle of Hennessy… that’s why I was going in the wrong direction.”
Safe to say, given how poorly J.R. Smith has been shooting in the playoffs, maybe this love of booze is why he is having such a hard time laying the pipe.
That’s what she said?
Anyway, did you guys know that there was a guy named LeBron James who put up a 50-burger on Thursday night? You’d think more people would be talking about that.
In a stunning revelation first discovered by me, Cleveland Cavaliers forward Kevin Love admits that he purposely stepped on the hardwood during Game 1 of the NBA Finals to avoid being yelled at by LeBron James in Game 2.
For those unaware, during Game 1 of Cleveland losing to Golden State by way of a replay booth and J.R. Smith not knowing how math works, Kevin Love’s body was on the floor when he wasn’t legally allowed to be. Per NBA rules, that should mean an automatic suspension for Game 2.
Here is the video that shows the Lovester hanging around beyond the arc:
The only Cavs player usually left that open is Jordan Clarkson.
Anyway, Kevin Love called me after the game to explain why this supposed brain-fart was actually done on purpose.
“Hey, it is K-Love.”
That is how the conversation got started. We started to talk about the Beach Boys for a little, then I asked him why he did what he did. This is how he responded.
“Well, totally real person interviewing me,” Kevin Love started. “You see, LeBron James can sometimes yell and be mean. He can’t, however, do that when you’re not playing. So, as a preemptive strike, I figured I would just get suspended for Game 2, then avoid the wrath of the King.”
Love would later go on to tell me, the person who is totally real, that he hasn’t heard from the NBA, but is hoping he is suspended in enough time to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some bagged peas.
“Yeah, man.” Love said in an excited fashion. “Peas are the bomb {bleeping} dot com!”
Tristan Thompson found himself ejected from Game 1 of the NBA Finals, but he’s really cool with it, because he wanted to be at a Hookah Bar anyway.
“I’m not saying I did it on purpose.” Tristan Thompson told the totally not a satire website The Choke. “That being said, I did have a reservation at one of the Bay Area’s finest Hookah Bars.”
While Thompson never said which specific smoking lounge he was referring to, a source told us that he was referencing Steph’s Smoking Circus Of Oh Whatever It’s Drugs Man — one of the most popular Hookah Lounges in the country.
“The game was close and all of that jazz, but when life hands you lemons, you have to smoke’em.”
For those unaware, Thompson being ejected from the game was like the ninth weirdest part of Game 1. J.R. Smith had a gaffe for the ages, as he didn’t realize the score; and there was the entire thing about the refs using the replay system to define what a block/charge call happens to be.
“Did you know, that when it snows, my eyes become wide and the light that you shine can be seen…” Thompson said before screaming, “BABY!”
Who knows what awaits the Cavs as the NBA Finals heads to Game 2? Not me. Not you. Certainly not Thompson.
At least we do know, or can safely assume, he’s a huge fan of Seal. And, ugh, who isn’t?
The basketball never sleeps and the Seal should not be trifled with. So say we all.
“THE CHOKE is the parody side of ClutchPoints. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”
Reports have emerged out of Golden State, claiming Draymond Green has an evil plan to lure James Harden to the Warriors.
According to this newly acquired information, obtained by our intern Justin, Green plans on purposely having the Warriors blow a 3-1 lead to the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Finals, resulting in a telephone call being placed to Houston Rockets guard James Harden.
Thanks to the Freedom Information Act of Not Real Acts of Information Freedom (2018), Justin the intern found the following bit parts of a much larger email Green apparently sent to other Golden State players:
Fellas. It is me. Draymond Green. The guy better than Kevin Durant and cooler than a cucumber. Remember when we blew a 3-1 lead, then called KD to join us? What worked once will certainly work again. I think our plan should be to go up three games to Cleveland’s one in the upcoming NBA Finals, blow that lead, then let me call James Harden from the parking lot and convince him to join us next season.
Think about it guys. We’d go from super-team to super-duper-intergalactic-team.
Sincerely, #DraymondTheMindIsAlwaysOnTheGreen
ClutchPoints
Obviously, this story is still developing, but Justin the intern did reach out to as many people as he could to find out what is happening with this story.
Steve Kerr told him to kick rocks.
Green told him to eat a walrus.
Kevin Durant called him a blogger boy (original, eh?).
James Harden asked what Green’s number was so he could make sure he picked up when that call is placed.
After a disastrous decision in Game 5, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James will limit Tyronn Lue’s minutes in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals.
For those unaware, after averaging 13 points on 65 percent shooting in Games 2-4 of the series, Kyle Korver played only 19 minutes in Cleveland’s Game 5 loss. Of relevant note, half of those whopping 19 minutes came when the Cavs trailed by as many as 21 points in the fourth quarter.
That’s right. Kyle Korver was getting his in scrub time.
Celtics coach Brad Stevens “has been putting [Semi] Ojeleye in, so that’s been kind of Kyle’s matchup when he comes in the game. He didn’t play him tonight, so it kind of threw us for a loop. But we got Bron out with two-and-a-half minutes, and at the start of the fourth he wasn’t ready to go. The same thing happened I think Game 1 or 2; I can’t remember.”
LeBron James is unhappy about his friend — and Ashton Kutcher cosplay fanatic — not seeing enough time on the hardwood because… Semi bleeping Ojeleye. In turn, he has informed his head coach that he will only be allowed to coach 12 minutes in Game 6.
That is a full four minutes less than the 16 LeBron normally allots Lue.
James, who already coaches all the minutes save for those 16 usually reserved for Lue, will pick up that four-minute slack. No big deal, James told The Choke intern Justin:
“Justin, I am already the real GM, head coach and owner of the Cavs anyway.”
Lue was hiding behind a shopping cart during Justin’s interview with James. He appeared to be happy that LeBron did not hurl him under the bus.
“I mean, I would (hurl him under the bus).” James said. “Then again, I haven’t found a bus moving fast enough yet.
Someone please keep Tyronn Lue away from buses for the foreseeable future. I worry about him.
According to a report, Danny Ainge has threatened Kyrie Irving with a potential trade for LeBron James this offseason if he doesn’t play in the Eastern Conference Finals.
The Wizard of All Trades — that’s Ainge, by the way — might also be looking to acquire LeBron James’ son, but those details remain murky. Anyway… this is a satire post.
This is according to ESPN’s Stugotz, who relayed the news on the mean streets of Twitter.
However, according to a different report, this one from The Disney Channel’s Ben Savage, Ainge is actually threatening to trade for LeBron James if Kryie Irving doesn’t admit the world is round.
Kyrie Irving was reached out to for comment, and while he did say “I have a lot to say on this” he would then only share the following emoji: (#127758#)
He would follow that up with, “If the Earth were round, in more than one-dimension, why is its Internet emoji flat — nearly without shape?”
Good point, former Duke Blue Devils guard.
How in the world did he get in Duke? Is there a class taught there by Kanye West?
After reaching out to the Celtics for comment, Ainge ignored our initial requests, but after eventually convincing ClutchPoints to send them 30 percent of our revenue for 23 years as well as Todd in exchange for information on the topic, he told us that “you guys must be drunk” and “it isn’t Scary Terry, but Scarrence Terrence.”
There we have It, folks. You know It. Whatever It is?
The Choke is satire. This is not real. What’s really anyway? Are we even, in the grand scheme of things, real? Let’s not talk about semantics of realness. Bluh.
Enes Kanter wants LeBron James to prove he’s the real king of New York. Oddly enough, the Cleveland Cavaliers superstar would like the New York Knicks big man to be his personal waterboy.
“People keep debating about who is the king of New York. … Hey LeBron, yes, you really want to be king of New York? Come and prove it. I’ll see you July 1st, brother. Good luck,” Kanter said.
That’s not just some super random dig, but one that dates back to this Instagram post from James:
When reached for comment, James and ClutchPoints had the following exchange:
CP: Did you hear what Enes Kanter had to say about you?
LBJ: Who?
CP: The big guy on the Knicks.
LBJ: Kristaps…
CP: No. The other big guy.
LBJ: Is Eddy Curry still there?
CP: … Did you hear what Enes Kanter had to say about you?
LBJ: What does he have to do with the Knicks? Wait. He’s on the Knicks? What did he say?
We relayed the quote you already read.
LBJ: King of New York? (Giggles loudly while eating a neon green grape) I don’t need to prove poop to that guy. What’s he think; that he can goat me to join his crappy team with his dopey owner by way of some BS Twitter challenge? I wouldn’t even dump an ice bucket over my head if Enerst Kanter asked me to.
CP: His name is Enes Kanter.
LBJ: Enerest. Enes. I don’t care. Cavs in four.
CP: …
LBJ: What’s his number? He can be my waterboy. Like, my personal waterboy. I will tip him every time he gets me a liquid refreshment. And by tip, I totally mean…
A PR person on behalf of James then cut the conversation short, but thanked us for bringing this to LeBron’s attention.
So, no real update if LeBron James is staying in Cleveland or headed to New York.
The Choke is satire. This is not real. What’s really anyway? Are we even, in the grand scheme of things, real? Let’s not talk about semantics of realness. Bluh.
LeBron James claims he did not go on Instagram after his game-winner against the Toronto Raptors to declare himself the true King of the North.
For those unaware, depending on if you believe James or not, a rather petty post popped up on the King’s Instagram page following his absolute destruction of Toronto on Saturday night.
“After the game,” James began while speaking to ClutchPoints, “I did what I always do. I talked to the media, then immediately ate 24 grapes. I eat 24 because 23 would be taken out of context and all you media folk would say it would have something to do with Michael Jordan or whatever.”
Clearly, the grapes thing is about Michael Jordan. We reached out to Jordan for comment on the grapes, but His Airness was currently figuring out a way to draft a player from North Carolina for the upcoming NBA Draft.
Season after season, James has been responsible for the Toronto Raptors failing to reach whatever goal it is people in Canada believe the franchise should meet. It’s the same song and dance, with North America’s friendly neighbors from the North believing there’s an NBA conspiracy that puts their favorite team’s playoff games on NBA TV.
Considering that plays a part in this LeBron James/grapes/Instagram scandal, we reached out to NBA Commissioner Adam Silver for comment. He was happy to respond to our request for a statement with the following email response:
“Dear Adam Silver, do you hate the Raptors and purposely choose not to air them on regular picture-box channels? – CP Reporting Staff Intern Justin
“Yes. We don’t put the hapless Raptors on normal broadcasts because no one wants to see Toronto players losing prematurely in the NBA Playoffs. Ask anyone, things going away prematurely is the worst. If the Raptors want to be on TNT or ESPN or any other channel than NBA TV, they could STOP SHOOTING SO MANY MID-RANG JUMPERS.”
It’s hard to tell, but I’m no sure that solves whether or not Adam Silver dislikes the Raptors.
CP
Eh, I digress…
James did go on to tell us that he “only deleted the post because he has much respect for Jon Snow” and that he’d “prefer to punch a real dinosaur in the mouth than play Toronto again next season” because it’s about time for a real challenge.
Of note, while interviewing James on Sunday morning, he was eating what appeared to be neon green grapes. He was drinking a glass of chocolate milk, donning a t-shirt with Michael Beasley’s face on it, and speaking with a French accent.
When asked about the French accent, James responded, “I do not know what you’re talking about, chap.” He then proceeded to speak as if he were from Australia — a clear shot across the bow at Philadelphia 76ers talent Ben Simmons. He was unaware he should have called our intern mate instead of chap.
“What is the North, really?” James said unsolicited. “Think about it rationally. They took an idea from the Game of Thrones, hurled it on their uniform, and I’m supposed to be OK with them being kings of a directional thingamabob. I shall have no such tomfoolery in my league.”
James then took a bite out of his fifth neon green grape as if he were eating a tiny cheeseburger and continued, “If they get to call themselves Kings of the North, I am King of Cleveland and King of Westworld and King of Lobster Salads.”
The legendary forward would later lament that there are currently no rules for who or what is considered a king. He considers the NBA’s current “King or No King Policy” too loose.
“There should be set guidelines on who gets to be called a king,” said James. “My last name is James. There was a King James at some point during the history of the world. So, ugh, yeah. Of course I get to be a king. Plus, you know, I’m gosh slam un-bleeping-believable.”
Then LeBron James began to grow visibly frustrated with our intern as us paid reporters stayed in the background and let him get verbally abused because we don’t like Justin the Intern all that much to be honest.
“You come to my palace, Intern Justin, and think you can ask me about an Instagram post that I 100 percent did not post because I was busy eating 24 grapes? This shall not stand.”
As James finished his statement, Intern Justin ran away and the rest of the paid reporters quickly followed.
Did LeBron James actually get hacked? The world will never know, but at least we all got to witness The King eat neon green gapes. Well, not all of us. Just those of us who work at ClutchPoints.
Oh, and Intern Justin. But he quit to “find himself” and planned to backpack across The Outback.
