Derrick Rose celebrates career night by eating a dinosaur

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

On Wednesday evening, Derrick Rose made history, scoring 50 points in a game the Minnesota Timberwolves desperately needed during the Jimmy Butler debacle.

To celebrate, Rose ate a dinosaur. Or, more accurately, he ate what he believed to be a dinosaur, as he fully doesn’t comprehend or understand the meaning of words.

“Dinosaurs are those things people eat with the spicy stuff, right?” Derrick Rose somewhat asked The Choke. “Like, dinosaur wing bites are the best, my man!”

As the attempted interview began to go off the rails, our intern politely explained to him how he is probably confusing chicken wings and/or bites with dinosaurs — which are, you know, extinct and can not be fried or grilled for a human’s pleasure.

“Wait…” Rose said while pausing, looking around as if he just saw a Nicolas Cage movie for the first time. “You’re trying to tell me there’s no such things as dinosaurs.”

After going on a rant over how he’s been lied to about the reality of dinosaurs for 35 minutes, Derrick Rose then began to ponder the meaning of life.

Like everyone else over the last 24 hours involved in Derrick Rose related PR-fluff, we just didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.

Knicks showing ‘no interest’ in LeBron James, will pursue J.R. Smith instead

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

The Summer of 2018 has begun, meaning LeBron James is freely available to sign with whichever team he chooses. Though it’s a familiar story—beginning with The Decision eight years ago—teams can’t help but fall over themselves for The King’s services.

Every NBA would sacrifice things that cannot even be admitted to snag James. YMCA teams and overseas teams are even salivating with the full knowledge it’s an impossibility. Yet there’s one franchise that’s shockingly saying, “No thanks.”

Meet the New York Knicks.

According to an unnamed source within the Knicks front office, the Knickerbockers are, indeed, uninterested in LeBron James. Instead, there’s a keen eye on his teammate, J.R. Smith, whose Game 1 actions has kept him atop the NBA narrative until this very day.

For the most part, Knicks owner James Dolan has allowed general manager Scott Perry and president Steve Mills to do their thing. As it pertains to LBJ, Dolan seems to be fully entrenched.

“He does not like LeBron James,” the source said. “In fact, it borders on hatred. The moment LeBron seemingly took the side of Charles Oakley after his ejection from Madison Square Garden (in early 2017), Dolan has secretly planted the idea of ‘no LeBron’ no matter what.”

“He ain’t like that, and if you ask any player in our league now who knows him, they’d say the same thing,” James said.

It’d be absurd enough to reject a top-five all-time player due to words, but there’s more—a whole lot more.

The Knicks are interested in bringing back J.R. Smith.

I caught up with Dolan and his henchmen after one of his electrifying performances on stage with his band JD & The Straight Shot. Perhaps it was the feel of the night or just one of those rare frustrating moments, but something inside Dolan allowed him to fire back answers at me instead of taking his usual “get out of dodge” routine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQBhE4Yrj5E

“Did MJ (Michael Jordan) ever win without Scottie Pippen?,” Dolan yelled back at the question of, “Why J.R. Smith instead of LeBron?”

“Did (Larry) Bird ever win without (Kevin) McHale? Did Shaq (Shaquille O’Neal) ever win without Kobe (Bryant)? Maybe that fills you and all of the other peasants in on why J.R.’s caught our eye. LeBron should have demanded the ball (at the end of Game 1 of the 2018 NBA Finals). He’s the leader. It’s on him (not J.R.).”

Indeed, Shaq did win without Kobe, but to remind a James Dolan of this is like running to the corner and yelling at the top your lungs. To actually introduce the idea that J.R. cannot be compared to McHale or Kobe would border on madness.

For now, the organization remains mum on the entire situation. Rest assured, though, J.R. Smith is completely in play to make a long-awaited, glorious return “home” for the New York Knickerbockers while LeBron James remains out in the cold with no luck.

Something tells me LeBron will make it through OK.

J.R. Smith: I saw a Hennessy bottle At halfcourt

All the talk after Game 1 of the NBA Finals circles around Cavs legend J.R. Smith. And, by legend, we mean the guy who is as known for laying the pipe as he is at being a volume-shooter.

Late in Cleveland’s game against the Golden State Warriors on Thursday evening, Smith appeared to forget his surroundings. Not realizing the score or time remaining on the game-clock, he began to head toward the middle of the hardwood as his Cavs desperately needed a bucket.

Don’t believe me on this here website? Here is the wonderful bean footage:

JR Smith Dumbest Play In NBA History! Game 1 Cavaliers vs Warriors 2018 NBA FINALS

This lack of awareness has resulted in something the kids call memes. It pictures LeBron James looking like his brain is attempting to escape his cranium while Smith is dribbling in the wrong direction.

After Game 1, Tyronn Lue claimed Smith did not know the score. For his part, Smith said he did.

That appeared to be the end of it… until ClutchPoints investigative intern Justin made a telephone call to Smith to find out more information.

“J.R. Smith? It’s Justin the intern.”

“Henny!”

“What?”

“I saw a bottle of Hennessy… that’s why I was going in the wrong direction.”

Safe to say, given how poorly J.R. Smith has been shooting in the playoffs, maybe this love of booze is why he is having such a hard time laying the pipe.

That’s what she said?

Anyway, did you guys know that there was a guy named LeBron James who put up a 50-burger on Thursday night? You’d think more people would be talking about that.

Kevin Love admits he wanted to get suspended to avoid LeBron James yelling

In a stunning revelation first discovered by me, Cleveland Cavaliers forward Kevin Love admits that he purposely stepped on the hardwood during Game 1 of the NBA Finals to avoid being yelled at by LeBron James in Game 2.

For those unaware, during Game 1 of Cleveland losing to Golden State by way of a replay booth and J.R. Smith not knowing how math works, Kevin Love’s body was on the floor when he wasn’t legally allowed to be. Per NBA rules, that should mean an automatic suspension for Game 2.

Here is the video that shows the Lovester hanging around beyond the arc:

https://twitter.com/CLEsportsTalk/status/1002418347466805249

The only Cavs player usually left that open is Jordan Clarkson.

Anyway, Kevin Love called me after the game to explain why this supposed brain-fart was actually done on purpose.

“Hey, it is K-Love.”

That is how the conversation got started. We started to talk about the Beach Boys for a little, then I asked him why he did what he did. This is how he responded.

“Well, totally real person interviewing me,” Kevin Love started. “You see, LeBron James can sometimes yell and be mean. He can’t, however, do that when you’re not playing. So, as a preemptive strike, I figured I would just get suspended for Game 2, then avoid the wrath of the King.”

Love would later go on to tell me, the person who is totally real, that he hasn’t heard from the NBA, but is hoping he is suspended in enough time to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some bagged peas.

“Yeah, man.” Love said in an excited fashion. “Peas are the bomb {bleeping} dot com!”

Tristan Thompson just wanted to go to a Hookah Bar

Tristan Thompson found himself ejected from Game 1 of the NBA Finals, but he’s really cool with it, because he wanted to be at a Hookah Bar anyway.

“I’m not saying I did it on purpose.” Tristan Thompson told the totally not a satire website The Choke. “That being said, I did have a reservation at one of the Bay Area’s finest Hookah Bars.”

While Thompson never said which specific smoking lounge he was referring to, a source told us that he was referencing Steph’s Smoking Circus Of Oh Whatever It’s Drugs Man — one of the most popular Hookah Lounges in the country.

“The game was close and all of that jazz, but when life hands you lemons, you have to smoke’em.”

For those unaware, Thompson being ejected from the game was like the ninth weirdest part of Game 1. J.R. Smith had a gaffe for the ages, as he didn’t realize the score; and there was the entire thing about the refs using the replay system to define what a block/charge call happens to be.

“Did you know, that when it snows, my eyes become wide and the light that you shine can be seen…” Thompson said before screaming, “BABY!”

Who knows what awaits the Cavs as the NBA Finals heads to Game 2? Not me. Not you. Certainly not Thompson.

At least we do know, or can safely assume, he’s a huge fan of Seal. And, ugh, who isn’t?

Seal  -  Kiss From A Rose (Official Music Video 720p HD) + Lyrics

The basketball never sleeps and the Seal should not be trifled with. So say we all.

LeBron James to limit Tyronn Lue’s minutes in Game 6

After a disastrous decision in Game 5, Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron James will limit Tyronn Lue’s minutes in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

For those unaware, after averaging 13 points on 65 percent shooting in Games 2-4 of the series, Kyle Korver played only 19 minutes in Cleveland’s Game 5 loss. Of relevant note, half of those whopping 19 minutes came when the Cavs trailed by as many as 21 points in the fourth quarter.

That’s right. Kyle Korver was getting his in scrub time.

Lue claimed he had his reasons. He said as much after the game:

Celtics coach Brad Stevens “has been putting [Semi] Ojeleye in, so that’s been kind of Kyle’s matchup when he comes in the game. He didn’t play him tonight, so it kind of threw us for a loop. But we got Bron out with two-and-a-half minutes, and at the start of the fourth he wasn’t ready to go. The same thing happened I think Game 1 or 2; I can’t remember.”

LeBron James is unhappy about his friend — and Ashton Kutcher cosplay fanatic — not seeing enough time on the hardwood because… Semi bleeping Ojeleye. In turn, he has informed his head coach that he will only be allowed to coach 12 minutes in Game 6.

That is a full four minutes less than the 16 LeBron normally allots Lue.

James, who already coaches all the minutes save for those 16 usually reserved for Lue, will pick up that four-minute slack. No big deal, James told The Choke intern Justin:

“Justin, I am already the real GM, head coach and owner of the Cavs anyway.”

Lue was hiding behind a shopping cart during Justin’s interview with James. He appeared to be happy that LeBron did not hurl him under the bus.

“I mean, I would (hurl him under the bus).” James said. “Then again, I haven’t found a bus moving fast enough yet.

Someone please keep Tyronn Lue away from buses for the foreseeable future. I worry about him.

J.R. Smith pissed after failing to make All-NBA Team for 14th straight season

“THE CHOKE is the parody side of ClutchPoints. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

CLEVELAND—The 2017-18 All-NBA teams leaked on Thursday afternoon, and one member of the Cleveland Cavaliers was distraught with the results. After boasting stellar averages of 8.3 points, 2.9 rebounds, and 1.8 assists, J.R. Smith was convinced he’d finally make an All-NBA team for the first time in his illustrious career. Instead, he didn’t receive a single vote.

“It’s f**king outrageous. A modern atrocity. I’ve had it with these sabermetric-minded, armchair quarterbacks who don’t respect my game. For 14 years I’ve carried Carmelo Anthony and now LeBron James with my flawless jumper, and for what? One Sixth Man of the Year award? S**t man, I’m done.

“Wait for Game 6 back in The Land. They’ll see they f**ked up.”

RUMOR: Warriors considering deactivating Klay Thompson in favor of Fake Klay

“THE CHOKE is the parody side of ClutchPoints. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

OAKLAND—Despite all of Twitter anointing the Golden State Warriors as NBA Champions after taking a 12-0 lead over the Houston Rockets in Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals, the Beard & company clawed back to even the series at two games apiece.

In the closing seconds, All-Star Klay Thompson air-balled a fadeaway jumper from the wing that would’ve sent the game to overtime. He finished with a measly 10 points while shooting just over 30 percent from the field, and while he appeared to be hampered by a first-half knee injury, Dubs management is wasting no time making a change.

Exclusive sources tell The Choke that Golden State is closing in on signing Fake Klay while subsequently deactivating the real Klay for Game 5. Officials cited his extreme enthusiasm from the opening whistle in Game 4, in addition to his striking resemblance to Thompson, which they believe still makes him a viable decoy on the perimeter.

The move will save the Warriors approximately $259 million on their superteam luxury tax, as Fake Klay will be paid solely in ramen and Ghirardelli’s chocolates.

Fake Klay made his pitch to team management just moments after the completion of Game 4:

LeBron James Emails Raptors On How To Hire New Coach

“THE CHOKE is the parody side of ClutchPoints. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

TORONTO, ON — After another embarrassing defeat at the hands of LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Toronto Raptors decided to fire NBCA Coach of the Year Dwane Casey. The King is now 12-2 against the franchise in the playoffs, sweeping them in each of the last two seasons.

In conjunction with the Casey firing, James received a special advisor role with Toronto on Friday. Team officials cited LeBron spending an entire quarter practicing high-arching fadeaways just for the heck of it and another instructing the Raptors on how to run their own plays as admirable qualities they seek in a leader. They were also impressed by his giving attitude when he said “margaritas on me” to Drake upon taking a 3-0 series lead.

“LeBron James has demonstrated a greater understanding of Raptors basketball than any individual within the organization itself,” said Tim Leiweke, CEO of Maple Leaf Sports Network. “His altruism in helping our players execute sets properly says a lot about his character.”

LeBron has quickly assimilated to his new responsibilities, sending a detailed email memo instructing the Raptors’ front office on how to find their next head coach. Toronto believes James’ previous experience coaching the Cavs over the last four years and the Heat the four years before will help them pin down the perfect candidate for the vacancy.

“The Toronto Raptors have provided me with nothing but great memories over the years, and I just felt it was time to start giving back,” James told The Choke. “I’ve always put an emphasis on entertaining this great fanbase with highlight reel dunks and shots that they’d never see otherwise from their own sorry players, but I wanted to do more to say thanks.”

Sources tell The Choke that LeBron’s initial forecast model projects that the new coach he helps the Raptors hire will at least elevate the franchise to one win against James in next year’s playoffs, but the findings are not yet conclusive.

Report: Danny Ainge threatens Kyrie Irving with acquiring LeBron James if he doesn’t change stance on polarizing Earth topic

According to a report, Danny Ainge has threatened Kyrie Irving with a potential trade for LeBron James this offseason if he doesn’t play in the Eastern Conference Finals.

The Wizard of All Trades — that’s Ainge, by the way — might also be looking to acquire LeBron James’ son, but those details remain murky. Anyway… this is a satire post.

This is according to ESPN’s Stugotz, who relayed the news on the mean streets of Twitter.

However, according to a different report, this one from The Disney Channel’s Ben Savage, Ainge is actually threatening to trade for LeBron James if Kryie Irving doesn’t admit the world is round.

Your Ben Savage Fake Tweet - Sources: Dangerous Dan Ainge will trade for LeBron James this summer if Kyrie Irving does not admit the Earth is circular, round even, in shape. H/T Topanga.

Kyrie Irving was reached out to for comment, and while he did say “I have a lot to say on this” he would then only share the following emoji: (#127758#)

He would follow that up with, “If the Earth were round, in more than one-dimension, why is its Internet emoji flat — nearly without shape?”

Good point, former Duke Blue Devils guard.

How in the world did he get in Duke? Is there a class taught there by Kanye West?

After reaching out to the Celtics for comment, Ainge ignored our initial requests, but after eventually convincing ClutchPoints to send them 30 percent of our revenue for 23 years as well as Todd in exchange for information on the topic, he told us that “you guys must be drunk” and “it isn’t Scary Terry, but Scarrence Terrence.”

There we have It, folks. You know It. Whatever It is?

Image result for Pennywise gif
Giphy

I think, possibly, I just pooped myself a little.

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