The Choke Archives

Washed up Carmelo Anthony to join algorithm based sketch show Saturday Night Live

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Now that his time with the Houston Rockets has gone the way of the dinosaurs, it appears Carmelo Anthony is set to join the cast of Saturday Night Live.

This comes after apparent mutual interest. Supposedly, the idea is rather simple. Carmelo Anthony is washed. Saturday Night Live — a sketch show that’s basically for old white divorced dads in their late 30s — is an algorithm based comedy show. With Melo trending and washed, while SNL is forever tending for being washed, the fit is perfect.

That’s not to say SNL is awful for the entire program. It’s just that the broadcast usually focuses on everyone’s least favorite comedians, traffics in whatever is trending on Twitter, and is often times so smarmy it goes over the heads of viewers.

This isn’t even a deal where people hate the cast in real time, but will later applaud it for being awesome. It’s that the cast is actually pretty solid, but Lorne Michaels buries some of the better talent in the name of forcing the same sketch variations over and over and over.

The exact role Carmelo Anthony is to play is not yet known. However, give his reputation as a volume-shooter who misses a bunch, he’ll fit right in with Saturday Night Live’s sketches-to-actually-being funny ratio.

Carmelo Anthony wants trade to Suns to win Most Valuable Choker award

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Carmelo Anthony is seeking a trade from the Houston Rockets to the Phoenix Suns in order to claim a prestigious individual award.

Without having a realistic chance to ever win an MVP, or be considered legitimately good again, Melo is trying to position for a run at Most Valuable Choker.

You might be asking yourself, what is the MVC? And wouldn’t he be more likely to receive it by choking on a good team with expectations to win?

To answer your first question: The award goes to someone with relatively high expectations, who fails to achieve them.

As for your second question: You’re right, but no one has ever confused Carmelo Anthony with a brain surgeon, now have they?

Sources have told The Choke that Carmelo Anthony believes if he were to join the Suns he could start, shoot more shots, miss more shots, and be more of an overall debacle, thus increasing his chances at winning the award.

However, other sources have indicated it more likely puts him in position to win the Lifetime Melo Achievement award, which goes to people named Melo who are objectively bad at basketball.

Carmelo Anthony says he finally gave the Thunder fans what they wanted

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

After Carmelo Anthony returned to Oklahoma City to play the Thunder, the veteran forward said his performance was intended to finally give the fanbase a form of pleasure.

Anthony went 1-11 from the floor, finishing with just 2 points and one of the worst games of his career.

“When I was with the Thunder, I was bad,” Carmelo Anthony said after the game. “It left OKC fans angry. However, I promised them I’d make them happy when I initially got here. It took a minute, and a switch of teams, but now they have to love me.”

He’s not wrong, either. The Choke spoke to Thunder superfan Nish Patel after the game. He was excited.

“Finally, Melo gave us a positive,” Patel told The Choke. “He was even worse tonight than he was when he was with us. He did leave me happy. Carmelo Anthony is a man of his word.”

As for the Rockets, they are less than thrilled that neither Hoodie or Olympic Melo showed up with run-of-the-mill Melo to Houston.

“I kept seeing fans say stuff about if only Olympic or Hoodie Melo came to the NBA,” Chris Paul said. “I should have drowned him while on that (bleeping) banana boat.”

Yes, Chris Paul. Yes you should have.

Kyrie Irving sets up shooting lessons for teammates with Carmelo Anthony

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Superstar Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving is enlisting the help of Carmelo Anthony to ensure his teammates become better at shooting.

Boston is currently ranked 28th in the NBA in field goal percentage, only making .428 percent of their attempts from the floor. Carmelo Anthony is only making .405 percent of his attempts, but Kyrie Irving doesn’t want that to distract you from the point.

“We’re not really having Melo teach the guys,” Kyrie told The Choke. “We’re having both Olympic Melo and Hoodie Melo come in to teach these young members of the human species to shoot jumpers.”

“I’m great at hoops,” Olympic Melo said.

“I’m even better at hoops,” Hoodie Melo told The Choke.

“I am Melo,” said run-of-the-mill Carmelo Anthony.

Nevertheless, the Celtics haven’t been playing as well as most projected before the season began. Maybe an injection of non-normal Melo will be good for the team. Fans have long asked what-if involving Hoodie and Olympic Melo, in regard to either version showing up in the NBA as a player, but those days are dead. Instead, we all know normal Melo is here forever… and he stinks.

Still, maybe the two alternative Melo’s will make for a fine shooting coach?

A source did tell The Choke that the first practice involving the Celtics and Melo resulted in this message being yelled across the gym:

“Shoot if you’re open. Shoot if you’re guarded. But whatever you do, don’t fail to shoot just because you’re bad at taking jumpers.”

Logic seems sound.

Kawhi Leonard’s Uncle Pissed At Raptors’ Winning Mentality, Trade Imminent

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

The latest whispers coming out of Toronto claim Kawhi Leonard has an uncle who is angry over the Raptors’ winning mentality. Furthermore, a trade is imminent.

Our source comes from Reddit user NotKawhiUncleLeonard2030203Unicorn. Below is his post:

Why are the Raptors winning whenever Kawhi doesn’t play? How dare them! I’ve heard, and listen I’m not the uncle of Kawhi Leonard or anything, that his uncle is angry. Pissed, even. The sort of made that will force a trade from the cosmos.

The buzz around this Reddit posting has become so loud, Kawhi Leonard has been forced to address the situation.

“Reddit?” Leonard asked.

Then a bunch of inaudible noises came from the hole in his mouth — also, we believe his ear holes — in which we don’t feel qualified enough to decipher. He did, however, take a bite out of a bologna sandwich when the noises subsided.

This all comes off reports the Raptors are willing to move the entire franchise to Los Angeles to keep the star.

When The Choke reached out directly to Leonard’s uncle, he claimed the Internet isn’t real and that Al Gore is actually a robot ghost sent from the future to trick is into thinking we’re not in The Matrix. Apparently, he believes the trilogy is a documentary.

Jimmy Butler is a good human being, maybe

According to midterm results, it appears as though disgruntled Minnesota Timberwolves superstar Jimmy Butler is a decent member of the human species… maybe.

With 98 percent of the results in, half of those voted “yes” in regard to Butler’s moral positioning among the species. The other half, let me check the math real quick, says “no.”

Two percent of the vote remains out, but that’s only because of absentee voting as well as the under-reported “they’re dead vote.”

People who are dead are allowed to vote if they’re able to use their reanimated hands to punch a hole in a ticket the size of a grapefruit, which is actually less of an ask than last midterm’s size of a basketball rule.

Nevertheless, this settles the debate once and for all, but not actually ever because half isn’t more or less than, that Jimmy Butler is a decent member of our species.

Did you know he charted a flight so his teammate could watch his little brother hoop it up for the Duke Blue Devils? It’s certainly worth noting the majority of the votes were cast before this information came to the surface. One can easily surmise, had that information been given to the general public beforehand, Jimmy Butler would have received more yes votes than those in the no category.

Tickle me fancy.

Dan Gilbert looking to hire Michael Keaton as next Cavs coach, believes he’s actually Batman

Plenty of people have long speculated Dan Gilbert lacks any true roots in a reality based world, but few saw this coming. Whispers are coming out of the Cavs organization about Gilbert’s ideal next head coach.

Kaplow!

It’s Batman!

Kind of.

Michael Keaton, the best Batman ever, isn’t a basketball coach. Nor is he Batman in his real life. And yet, the Cavs owner believes he’s actually The Caped Crusader, and would like him to man the helm in Cleveland next season.

Kaplooey!

The Choke has yet to verify the reports from our own sources, though that’s likely due to their fears about Dan Gilbert possibly eating them whole. He’s long been known as a cannibal, which makes this marriage all the more stunning.

Wazaam!

Despite Keaton’s best efforts to let Gilbert know he’s not actually Batman, the owner simply believes the star of Mr. Mom is trying to hide his identity.

When Christian Bale was reached out to for comment, he said, “Adam West, as well as the comics, is the variation of Batman with all those mostly fake words like wazaam, you idiots.”

We usually allow Christian Bale to read all copies of The Choke posts before they go live.

Snickers bar!

We will keep you updated as more information rises to the surface like Danny DeVito in Batman 2: The Bat’ening.

Report: Rockets paying Jeff Bzdelik to teach Carmelo Anthony defense in human souls

According to a report, the Houston Rockets had to offer Jeff Bzdelik human souls and sacrifices in order to convince him to come out of retirement to teach defense to Carmelo Anthony.

A source tells The Choke that when the Rockets approached Bzdelik to come out of retirement, in an effort to help with their struggling defense, the respected assistant scoffed at the idea, telling ownership, “You’d have to pay me in human souls to get me to try to teach Melo defense at this point in his career.”

Another source, one with firsthand information, said the Rockets quickly sprang into action. Supposedly, the team — spearheaded by Chris Paul — grabbed an intern and laid him out at center court, sacrificing his life to the devil in order to get this deal done.

While we’ve yet to obtain a video, it is said chants of “Bring back Jeff Bzdelik” and “Melo and the D, Melo and the D” could be heard from outside of the franchise’s practice facility.

It’s worth noting the Rockets are denying any such agreement between them, Bzdelik and the devil. Instead, they’ve released the following statement:

We can’t tell what that is supposed to mean.

Nevertheless, even a deal with the devil won’t get Anthony to play competent defense. Not in 2018. Not in this economy.

Bulls suing Wolves for identity theft after Derrick Rose scores 50

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

The Chicago Bulls are suing the Minnesota Timberwolves for identity theft following the 50-burger Derrick Rose dropped the other evening. Brand new reports, for what it is worth, say The Choke is being sued for using 50-burger ironically.

This is apparently a tricky situation. We’re roughly 24 hours removed from Derrick Rose confusing dinosaurs with chicken wings, opening up the possibilities over the idea he’s not even a real human in 2018. The Wolves can argue, at least in theory, the identity that is allegedly stolen is actually just the spirit of Rose hiding within the frame of a body that appears to be the player.

There’s more to it than even that. The Bulls, currently coached by Fred Hoiberg of Fred Hoiberg fame, didn’t really want Rose all that much back in the day. Now that it appears the guard is good to drop a 50-burger every once-in-his-entire-career, the franchise will be hard pressed to find a judge who will rule in their favor.

Furthermore, there’s a 99 percent chance Rose is still actually bad and that this lawsuit will be tossed out of court due to general fraudulence.

REPORT: Raptors plan to move to Los Angeles to keep Kawhi Leonard

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

According to a report from a totally real person named Bob Smith Jr., the Toronto Raptors will attempt to move the franchise to Los Angeles in order to keep Kawhi Leonard.

From Bob Smith’s 100 percent real Twitter:

How this report is not picking up more steam, the Choke does not yet know.

However, our own sources have indicated Kawhi Leonard does indeed like warm weather. In fact, in a scientific study done by the University of Broken Dreams, it was found 93 percent of living members of the human species prefer warm weather to that of cold, bitter and dark nights.

That being said, in that same study, it was found reanimated corpses (re: the dead coming back to relative life) prefer cold weather at a 10-to-1 ratio. We bring up the reanimated corpses portion of the study only because it is not currently known if Leonard is a human, robot or a reanimated corpse.

There is no study on what sort of climate robots prefer.

When reached out for comment, Leonard responded by punching our intern in the face with a lobster claw, declaring himself ruler of the six kingdoms.

For those unaware, the six kingdoms are not real, though the Raptors will make it so if it means keeping the superstar.