TheChoke, Author at The Choke

Washed up Carmelo Anthony to join algorithm based sketch show Saturday Night Live

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Now that his time with the Houston Rockets has gone the way of the dinosaurs, it appears Carmelo Anthony is set to join the cast of Saturday Night Live.

This comes after apparent mutual interest. Supposedly, the idea is rather simple. Carmelo Anthony is washed. Saturday Night Live — a sketch show that’s basically for old white divorced dads in their late 30s — is an algorithm based comedy show. With Melo trending and washed, while SNL is forever tending for being washed, the fit is perfect.

That’s not to say SNL is awful for the entire program. It’s just that the broadcast usually focuses on everyone’s least favorite comedians, traffics in whatever is trending on Twitter, and is often times so smarmy it goes over the heads of viewers.

This isn’t even a deal where people hate the cast in real time, but will later applaud it for being awesome. It’s that the cast is actually pretty solid, but Lorne Michaels buries some of the better talent in the name of forcing the same sketch variations over and over and over.

The exact role Carmelo Anthony is to play is not yet known. However, give his reputation as a volume-shooter who misses a bunch, he’ll fit right in with Saturday Night Live’s sketches-to-actually-being funny ratio.

Report: Kevin Durant to leave Warriors to join Los Angeles Rams

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Sources have told The Choke Golden State Warriors superstar Kevin Durant plans to leave the franchise this offseason to join the Los Angeles Rams in the NFL.

Our source, who we can’t name because journalism, claims Durant is essentially a wild fan who only likes the best teams. In turn, with the Rams apparently headed for a decent run at being at (or at least near) the top of the NFL, he’d like to get on that team prior to Los Angeles winning a championship.

Basically, he wants to switch the narrative around a bit, changing from being the guy who was added to an already title winning team, to a dude who put a franchise over the top.

The source did also detail to us Kevin Durant has a 10-year plan. He’s going to play for the Rams for two years, then go play third base for the New York Yankees for three more, finally finishing off his athletic career with a five-year stint in the WWE.

Why the WWE? Because, just much like the Warriors, the outcome of championships have been predetermined.

LeBron James sets yet another record, this time involving Nic Cage

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

While everyone is focusing on more famous records LeBron James has broken, it’s about time to bring to light the one he just smashed involving Nic Cage.

According to The Choke’s stats and research department, LeBron James has become the first player since the NBA-ABA merger to consume over 30 hours of Nic Cage films in a 50 hour span of time.

The mind has been, officially, boggled.

It’s worth noting our stats and research department shares an office with The Choke’s Nic and Cage quality control checkers. In turn, you know this data is more accurate than a clock hanging on your walls with double-A batteries in them.

We can’t yet fully verify the entire selection of films, LeBron James chose to enjoy, but do know of some of those cinematic masterpieces. They are: Knowing, Face/Off, The Wicker Man and Vampire’s Kiss.

Apparently, LeBron is a huge fan of the classics.

When reached out for comment, Cage said, “It’s a great honor LeBron James likes my movies. In turn, I will pay 983,3003,333 American dollars for one pair of his socks.”

Oh, Nic Cage, you sly devil you.

Draymond Green believes Kevin Durant is a sky pirate from Final Fantasy XII

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Information regarding the Kevin Durant and Draymond Green debacle continues to leak out of the organization like a leaky faucet.

While the Golden State Warriors are attempting to patch their leaking ship, suspending Green and pretending as if all is well, Draymond has written a short open letter to The Choke.

The following is unedited.

Kevin Durant is a sky pirate. Not like a normal pirate. The one like that Balthier fellow from Final Fantasy XII. He’s around here, pretending to be a somewhat OK guy, but dude is a mercenary. I took a pay cut. Klay is going to take a pay cut. For what? For Balthier Durant to use us for yet another title before he takes huge sums of money to fail elsewhere? Let me tell the nation something, pal. Ain’t no player on the Knicks who will be able to Phoenix Down his sorry rear when down 0-2 to the Sixers.

As everyone knows, Balthier is the character from Final Fantasy XII who is way cooler than the actual main character. That being said, Draymond may have accidentally given Kevin Durant a compliment. Furthermore, Balthier’s past and true intentions are not what they seem — which, yeah, that’s Durant.

Zion Williamson facing blame for Cavs slow start

For some ungodly reason, Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert is blaming Duke Blue Devils star Zion Williamson for the team’s iffy start to the season.

There’s no actual basis for why, according to sources. A team insider has told The Choke, however, it’s simply an effort by Dan Gilbert to use Zion Williamson to avoid any form of accountability.

For those unaware, Gilbert is likely best known as the guy who found NBA success by being lucky enough to have had LeBron James born within the proximity of his franchise. When LeBron is not with the Cavs, Cleveland is an abomination to all the senses.

Seriously. Imagine if LeBron was born in like Scranton, Pennsylvania instead of Akron. How awful would the Dan Gilbert era be then?

Zion Williamson has released a statement to our wonderful publication around these allegations by the Cavs owner.

“What the hell is a Dan Gilbert,” Zion asked The Choke. “Cleveland seems like a nice enough city… to leave.”

Obviously, the standout Duke talent is not attempting to endear himself to the city.

“Thank god I wasn’t born near Cleveland,” Zion Williamson said. “For real. LeBron had to be loyal to his neighboring city because of logistical semantics?!”

For his part, Dan Gilbert released a 33,000 word response. It wasn’t in comic sans, either. Instead, he cut individual letters out of magazines. We felt it best to not relay his statement, though, as there’s random nudes of himself in there.

Yuck.

Sixers reject Carmelo Anthony deal after reading the fine print

According to numerous sources, including Dean Moriarty, the Sixers have refused to agree to a deal that would bring Carmelo Anthony to Philadelphia.

The reasoning? Well, ain’t I sure as sugar glad you asked! It’s due to the fine print.

Sources, including other various fictional characters from On The Road, have told The Choke the potential deal had some wording jumbled in the middle of the deal, reading as follows:

You, the almighty Sixers of City Brotherly Love, not only agree to bring in Melo of Mighty Buckets, but do see zero issues in forever employing him. More bluntly put, House The Process, there are no give backs.

Yikes!

Basically, for those unaware of how super serious contractual agreements work, Melo’s team is saying the Sixers can’t, under no circumstances, cut bait from the wayward forward. Apparently he’s sour by his most recent teams, who decided he was awful minutes upon revival.

In even simpler terms, this is like buying expired milk at the store, but the supermarket refusing to give you money back on the investment.

Carmelo Anthony is expired milk, I guess? Hooray, Sixers, for reading the fine print! If only I had done so with my iTunes account.

Carmelo Anthony wants trade to Suns to win Most Valuable Choker award

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Carmelo Anthony is seeking a trade from the Houston Rockets to the Phoenix Suns in order to claim a prestigious individual award.

Without having a realistic chance to ever win an MVP, or be considered legitimately good again, Melo is trying to position for a run at Most Valuable Choker.

You might be asking yourself, what is the MVC? And wouldn’t he be more likely to receive it by choking on a good team with expectations to win?

To answer your first question: The award goes to someone with relatively high expectations, who fails to achieve them.

As for your second question: You’re right, but no one has ever confused Carmelo Anthony with a brain surgeon, now have they?

Sources have told The Choke that Carmelo Anthony believes if he were to join the Suns he could start, shoot more shots, miss more shots, and be more of an overall debacle, thus increasing his chances at winning the award.

However, other sources have indicated it more likely puts him in position to win the Lifetime Melo Achievement award, which goes to people named Melo who are objectively bad at basketball.

Carmelo Anthony says he finally gave the Thunder fans what they wanted

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

After Carmelo Anthony returned to Oklahoma City to play the Thunder, the veteran forward said his performance was intended to finally give the fanbase a form of pleasure.

Anthony went 1-11 from the floor, finishing with just 2 points and one of the worst games of his career.

“When I was with the Thunder, I was bad,” Carmelo Anthony said after the game. “It left OKC fans angry. However, I promised them I’d make them happy when I initially got here. It took a minute, and a switch of teams, but now they have to love me.”

He’s not wrong, either. The Choke spoke to Thunder superfan Nish Patel after the game. He was excited.

“Finally, Melo gave us a positive,” Patel told The Choke. “He was even worse tonight than he was when he was with us. He did leave me happy. Carmelo Anthony is a man of his word.”

As for the Rockets, they are less than thrilled that neither Hoodie or Olympic Melo showed up with run-of-the-mill Melo to Houston.

“I kept seeing fans say stuff about if only Olympic or Hoodie Melo came to the NBA,” Chris Paul said. “I should have drowned him while on that (bleeping) banana boat.”

Yes, Chris Paul. Yes you should have.

Kyrie Irving sets up shooting lessons for teammates with Carmelo Anthony

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Superstar Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving is enlisting the help of Carmelo Anthony to ensure his teammates become better at shooting.

Boston is currently ranked 28th in the NBA in field goal percentage, only making .428 percent of their attempts from the floor. Carmelo Anthony is only making .405 percent of his attempts, but Kyrie Irving doesn’t want that to distract you from the point.

“We’re not really having Melo teach the guys,” Kyrie told The Choke. “We’re having both Olympic Melo and Hoodie Melo come in to teach these young members of the human species to shoot jumpers.”

“I’m great at hoops,” Olympic Melo said.

“I’m even better at hoops,” Hoodie Melo told The Choke.

“I am Melo,” said run-of-the-mill Carmelo Anthony.

Nevertheless, the Celtics haven’t been playing as well as most projected before the season began. Maybe an injection of non-normal Melo will be good for the team. Fans have long asked what-if involving Hoodie and Olympic Melo, in regard to either version showing up in the NBA as a player, but those days are dead. Instead, we all know normal Melo is here forever… and he stinks.

Still, maybe the two alternative Melo’s will make for a fine shooting coach?

A source did tell The Choke that the first practice involving the Celtics and Melo resulted in this message being yelled across the gym:

“Shoot if you’re open. Shoot if you’re guarded. But whatever you do, don’t fail to shoot just because you’re bad at taking jumpers.”

Logic seems sound.

Derrick Rose Admits To Addiction, Causing Enhanced Performance

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Derrick Rose has been doing pretty well lately, leaving plenty of fans in confusion over how he’s returned to playing at such an excellent level. According to the Wolves star, it isn’t due to some sort of neat workout regimen. Instead, it’s because he’s gaining powers from wearing costumes of himself.

“You see it’s all in believing in yourself like Batman,” Derrick Rose told The Choke. “So, each new morning, after having a cup of chocolate milk, I wear a Derrick Rose costume, pretend to be the MVP version of myself, resulting in my confidence shooting up to other-worldly levels.”

He would then go on to claim that he, while wearing costumes of himself, gains those superpowers through something called vegetables. When pressed on that idea, since vegetables is a food and not a galactic power-giver, Rose claimed vegetables as we know them have forever been a lie.

This story doesn’t end happily, though. Derrick Rose does admit he’s addicted to wearing these costumes.

“Sometimes my friends want to go out for a night on the town, yeah? But 2018 Derrick Rose is only OK. But if I put on that 2010 Derrick Rose costume, hey now!”

Rose then leaves our interview with his head down, saddened over the fact Father Time has apparently passed him by, but not his costumes.

“I’m going to go eat some Dinosaurs now. Please leave me be.”