TheChoke, Author at The Choke

Kawhi Leonard’s Uncle Pissed At Raptors’ Winning Mentality, Trade Imminent

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

The latest whispers coming out of Toronto claim Kawhi Leonard has an uncle who is angry over the Raptors’ winning mentality. Furthermore, a trade is imminent.

Our source comes from Reddit user NotKawhiUncleLeonard2030203Unicorn. Below is his post:

Why are the Raptors winning whenever Kawhi doesn’t play? How dare them! I’ve heard, and listen I’m not the uncle of Kawhi Leonard or anything, that his uncle is angry. Pissed, even. The sort of made that will force a trade from the cosmos.

The buzz around this Reddit posting has become so loud, Kawhi Leonard has been forced to address the situation.

“Reddit?” Leonard asked.

Then a bunch of inaudible noises came from the hole in his mouth — also, we believe his ear holes — in which we don’t feel qualified enough to decipher. He did, however, take a bite out of a bologna sandwich when the noises subsided.

This all comes off reports the Raptors are willing to move the entire franchise to Los Angeles to keep the star.

When The Choke reached out directly to Leonard’s uncle, he claimed the Internet isn’t real and that Al Gore is actually a robot ghost sent from the future to trick is into thinking we’re not in The Matrix. Apparently, he believes the trilogy is a documentary.

Rajon Rondo’s 12-Year Quest Finally Completed With Flop On D-Rose

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Rajon Rondo has ended his 12-year quest by finally getting the flop he always wanted opposite Wolves superstar Derrick Rose.

“It’s a moment I’ve forever dreamed about,” Rajon Rondo told The Choke. “I’ve been working my entire career to get to a moment where I’d be able to dupe one of the smartest basketball players on the planet.”

When The Choke tried to explain to Rondo that Derrick Rose is historically known to not know the meaning of words, having once confused dinosaurs with chicken wings, Rondo went about his day without deterrence.

“People said I came to Los Angles to play with LeBron James, but those people were wrong,” Rondo said. “I came for this specific moment. This is my Christmas. My Halloween. My coming out party!”

As for Rose, he was less than thrilled.

“I am pretty sure Rajon just fell through a vortex,” Rose told The Choke. “I know you guys think he fell on purpose, but one of two things happened, and that’s not one of them. He either fell through a vortex or I’m such an amazing member of the species, my brute force and aura caused him to collapse to the ground.”

Jimmy Butler is a good human being, maybe

According to midterm results, it appears as though disgruntled Minnesota Timberwolves superstar Jimmy Butler is a decent member of the human species… maybe.

With 98 percent of the results in, half of those voted “yes” in regard to Butler’s moral positioning among the species. The other half, let me check the math real quick, says “no.”

Two percent of the vote remains out, but that’s only because of absentee voting as well as the under-reported “they’re dead vote.”

People who are dead are allowed to vote if they’re able to use their reanimated hands to punch a hole in a ticket the size of a grapefruit, which is actually less of an ask than last midterm’s size of a basketball rule.

Nevertheless, this settles the debate once and for all, but not actually ever because half isn’t more or less than, that Jimmy Butler is a decent member of our species.

Did you know he charted a flight so his teammate could watch his little brother hoop it up for the Duke Blue Devils? It’s certainly worth noting the majority of the votes were cast before this information came to the surface. One can easily surmise, had that information been given to the general public beforehand, Jimmy Butler would have received more yes votes than those in the no category.

Tickle me fancy.

Dan Gilbert looking to hire Michael Keaton as next Cavs coach, believes he’s actually Batman

Plenty of people have long speculated Dan Gilbert lacks any true roots in a reality based world, but few saw this coming. Whispers are coming out of the Cavs organization about Gilbert’s ideal next head coach.

Kaplow!

It’s Batman!

Kind of.

Michael Keaton, the best Batman ever, isn’t a basketball coach. Nor is he Batman in his real life. And yet, the Cavs owner believes he’s actually The Caped Crusader, and would like him to man the helm in Cleveland next season.

Kaplooey!

The Choke has yet to verify the reports from our own sources, though that’s likely due to their fears about Dan Gilbert possibly eating them whole. He’s long been known as a cannibal, which makes this marriage all the more stunning.

Wazaam!

Despite Keaton’s best efforts to let Gilbert know he’s not actually Batman, the owner simply believes the star of Mr. Mom is trying to hide his identity.

When Christian Bale was reached out to for comment, he said, “Adam West, as well as the comics, is the variation of Batman with all those mostly fake words like wazaam, you idiots.”

We usually allow Christian Bale to read all copies of The Choke posts before they go live.

Snickers bar!

We will keep you updated as more information rises to the surface like Danny DeVito in Batman 2: The Bat’ening.

Report: Rockets paying Jeff Bzdelik to teach Carmelo Anthony defense in human souls

According to a report, the Houston Rockets had to offer Jeff Bzdelik human souls and sacrifices in order to convince him to come out of retirement to teach defense to Carmelo Anthony.

A source tells The Choke that when the Rockets approached Bzdelik to come out of retirement, in an effort to help with their struggling defense, the respected assistant scoffed at the idea, telling ownership, “You’d have to pay me in human souls to get me to try to teach Melo defense at this point in his career.”

Another source, one with firsthand information, said the Rockets quickly sprang into action. Supposedly, the team — spearheaded by Chris Paul — grabbed an intern and laid him out at center court, sacrificing his life to the devil in order to get this deal done.

While we’ve yet to obtain a video, it is said chants of “Bring back Jeff Bzdelik” and “Melo and the D, Melo and the D” could be heard from outside of the franchise’s practice facility.

It’s worth noting the Rockets are denying any such agreement between them, Bzdelik and the devil. Instead, they’ve released the following statement:

We can’t tell what that is supposed to mean.

Nevertheless, even a deal with the devil won’t get Anthony to play competent defense. Not in 2018. Not in this economy.

Ben Simmons claims he’s not a coward

“Just because I refuse to shoot from beyond the arc, it doesn’t make me a coward,” a tearful Ben Simmons told the Choke while hiding under a blanket watching highlight clips of Stephen Curry.

The electric Sixers point forward has come under heavy scrutiny the last few months over his inability to make a shot from behind the line. Or, more accurately, to even bother taking one. So far this season, Ben Simmons, in all this glory, has taken as many threes as you and I have.

You and I, mind you, aren’t even NBA players.

“Hogwash!” Simmons yelled when our intern suggested to “just try.”

“You see, down under, the three point line is actually a single foot away from the rim,” Ben Simmons tries to explain to us as he’s eating fermented cucumbers. “It isn’t that I’m not shooting threes. It’s that I am, but in Australia time… ya see?”

We don’t see.

For his career, Simmons has only taken 11 threes. To put that into context, your significant other likely cheated on you more times than the superstar has even attempted to take a three. Having made exactly zero of his attempts, for even more context, he scores as often beyond his range as you do at the bar during last call.

That’s right. I’m calling you ugly. But at least you’re not a coward like Ben Simmons.

Bulls suing Wolves for identity theft after Derrick Rose scores 50

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

The Chicago Bulls are suing the Minnesota Timberwolves for identity theft following the 50-burger Derrick Rose dropped the other evening. Brand new reports, for what it is worth, say The Choke is being sued for using 50-burger ironically.

This is apparently a tricky situation. We’re roughly 24 hours removed from Derrick Rose confusing dinosaurs with chicken wings, opening up the possibilities over the idea he’s not even a real human in 2018. The Wolves can argue, at least in theory, the identity that is allegedly stolen is actually just the spirit of Rose hiding within the frame of a body that appears to be the player.

There’s more to it than even that. The Bulls, currently coached by Fred Hoiberg of Fred Hoiberg fame, didn’t really want Rose all that much back in the day. Now that it appears the guard is good to drop a 50-burger every once-in-his-entire-career, the franchise will be hard pressed to find a judge who will rule in their favor.

Furthermore, there’s a 99 percent chance Rose is still actually bad and that this lawsuit will be tossed out of court due to general fraudulence.

REPORT: Raptors plan to move to Los Angeles to keep Kawhi Leonard

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

According to a report from a totally real person named Bob Smith Jr., the Toronto Raptors will attempt to move the franchise to Los Angeles in order to keep Kawhi Leonard.

From Bob Smith’s 100 percent real Twitter:

How this report is not picking up more steam, the Choke does not yet know.

However, our own sources have indicated Kawhi Leonard does indeed like warm weather. In fact, in a scientific study done by the University of Broken Dreams, it was found 93 percent of living members of the human species prefer warm weather to that of cold, bitter and dark nights.

That being said, in that same study, it was found reanimated corpses (re: the dead coming back to relative life) prefer cold weather at a 10-to-1 ratio. We bring up the reanimated corpses portion of the study only because it is not currently known if Leonard is a human, robot or a reanimated corpse.

There is no study on what sort of climate robots prefer.

When reached out for comment, Leonard responded by punching our intern in the face with a lobster claw, declaring himself ruler of the six kingdoms.

For those unaware, the six kingdoms are not real, though the Raptors will make it so if it means keeping the superstar.

Derrick Rose celebrates career night by eating a dinosaur

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

On Wednesday evening, Derrick Rose made history, scoring 50 points in a game the Minnesota Timberwolves desperately needed during the Jimmy Butler debacle.

To celebrate, Rose ate a dinosaur. Or, more accurately, he ate what he believed to be a dinosaur, as he fully doesn’t comprehend or understand the meaning of words.

“Dinosaurs are those things people eat with the spicy stuff, right?” Derrick Rose somewhat asked The Choke. “Like, dinosaur wing bites are the best, my man!”

As the attempted interview began to go off the rails, our intern politely explained to him how he is probably confusing chicken wings and/or bites with dinosaurs — which are, you know, extinct and can not be fried or grilled for a human’s pleasure.

“Wait…” Rose said while pausing, looking around as if he just saw a Nicolas Cage movie for the first time. “You’re trying to tell me there’s no such things as dinosaurs.”

After going on a rant over how he’s been lied to about the reality of dinosaurs for 35 minutes, Derrick Rose then began to ponder the meaning of life.

Like everyone else over the last 24 hours involved in Derrick Rose related PR-fluff, we just didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.