NBA Archives - The Choke

J.R. Smith’s Hilarious Thanksgiving Attempt At Joining The Lakers

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

After being separated from the Cleveland Cavaliers for accusing team management of arranging a tanking scheme, J.R. Smith began a fight at Quicken Loans Arena after attempting to sneak onto the Los Angeles Lakers bus following the game on Wednesday Night. The fallout from this new set of questionable actions from Smith could be costly.

The off court moment occurred several minutes after the game ended. Smith walked into what he thought was the away team locker room, seeking to join LeBron James for another playoff run. However, he ended up creating an awkward scene with his former teammates once again.

“I thought LeBron would be in the home locker room because the Q was always his home,” said Smith, defending his actions.

After accusations of tanking, the team did not receive him warmly. Instead, Coach Larry Drew struck back, this time throwing a bowl of soup at Smith.

“This year, I’m thankful that I don’t have to deal with headaches and empty Hennessey bottles in the locker room,” Drew said of the situation.

Neither any of the Cavaliers nor Smith were hurt, although several players tripped over their shoes after Smith untied them.

After the fight and heading to the correct locker room, JR attempted to hide himself in LeBron James’s luggage. After he was discovered, he apologized for his Game 1 blunder in the 2018 NBA Finals, where J.R. Smith dribbled out the clock when the game was tied.

“Look, I know that moment reminded a lot of people of Infinity War. You know, when they almost get the gauntlet off Thanos?” Smith said, enthused. “But in the end they beat Thanos! Avengers 4! This was the one possible scenario we win. Right?”

“My plan was for LeBron to sneak me in a bag into the Lakers front office,” said Smith. “Then once I’m there, I’d pop out and be like, it’s magic. You know, because of Magic Johnson?”

Not enthused, LeBron did failed to respond. He continued onto the bus and left Smith behind.

Though discouraged, sources say that Smith continues to pursue a deal with the Lakers and immediate travel arrangements. Sources have told The Choke that he is currently shirtless while heading to Cleveland Hopkins Airport, despite the chilly November temperatures.

In response to the scuffle, Commissioner Adam Silver fined Smith $250,000 and released a statement: “Throwing anything except for key playoff games is absolutely prohibited by the NBA.”

Report: Kevin Durant to leave Warriors to join Los Angeles Rams

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Sources have told The Choke Golden State Warriors superstar Kevin Durant plans to leave the franchise this offseason to join the Los Angeles Rams in the NFL.

Our source, who we can’t name because journalism, claims Durant is essentially a wild fan who only likes the best teams. In turn, with the Rams apparently headed for a decent run at being at (or at least near) the top of the NFL, he’d like to get on that team prior to Los Angeles winning a championship.

Basically, he wants to switch the narrative around a bit, changing from being the guy who was added to an already title winning team, to a dude who put a franchise over the top.

The source did also detail to us Kevin Durant has a 10-year plan. He’s going to play for the Rams for two years, then go play third base for the New York Yankees for three more, finally finishing off his athletic career with a five-year stint in the WWE.

Why the WWE? Because, just much like the Warriors, the outcome of championships have been predetermined.

LeBron James sets yet another record, this time involving Nic Cage

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

While everyone is focusing on more famous records LeBron James has broken, it’s about time to bring to light the one he just smashed involving Nic Cage.

According to The Choke’s stats and research department, LeBron James has become the first player since the NBA-ABA merger to consume over 30 hours of Nic Cage films in a 50 hour span of time.

The mind has been, officially, boggled.

It’s worth noting our stats and research department shares an office with The Choke’s Nic and Cage quality control checkers. In turn, you know this data is more accurate than a clock hanging on your walls with double-A batteries in them.

We can’t yet fully verify the entire selection of films, LeBron James chose to enjoy, but do know of some of those cinematic masterpieces. They are: Knowing, Face/Off, The Wicker Man and Vampire’s Kiss.

Apparently, LeBron is a huge fan of the classics.

When reached out for comment, Cage said, “It’s a great honor LeBron James likes my movies. In turn, I will pay 983,3003,333 American dollars for one pair of his socks.”

Oh, Nic Cage, you sly devil you.

Draymond Green believes Kevin Durant is a sky pirate from Final Fantasy XII

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Information regarding the Kevin Durant and Draymond Green debacle continues to leak out of the organization like a leaky faucet.

While the Golden State Warriors are attempting to patch their leaking ship, suspending Green and pretending as if all is well, Draymond has written a short open letter to The Choke.

The following is unedited.

Kevin Durant is a sky pirate. Not like a normal pirate. The one like that Balthier fellow from Final Fantasy XII. He’s around here, pretending to be a somewhat OK guy, but dude is a mercenary. I took a pay cut. Klay is going to take a pay cut. For what? For Balthier Durant to use us for yet another title before he takes huge sums of money to fail elsewhere? Let me tell the nation something, pal. Ain’t no player on the Knicks who will be able to Phoenix Down his sorry rear when down 0-2 to the Sixers.

As everyone knows, Balthier is the character from Final Fantasy XII who is way cooler than the actual main character. That being said, Draymond may have accidentally given Kevin Durant a compliment. Furthermore, Balthier’s past and true intentions are not what they seem — which, yeah, that’s Durant.

Zion Williamson facing blame for Cavs slow start

For some ungodly reason, Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert is blaming Duke Blue Devils star Zion Williamson for the team’s iffy start to the season.

There’s no actual basis for why, according to sources. A team insider has told The Choke, however, it’s simply an effort by Dan Gilbert to use Zion Williamson to avoid any form of accountability.

For those unaware, Gilbert is likely best known as the guy who found NBA success by being lucky enough to have had LeBron James born within the proximity of his franchise. When LeBron is not with the Cavs, Cleveland is an abomination to all the senses.

Seriously. Imagine if LeBron was born in like Scranton, Pennsylvania instead of Akron. How awful would the Dan Gilbert era be then?

Zion Williamson has released a statement to our wonderful publication around these allegations by the Cavs owner.

“What the hell is a Dan Gilbert,” Zion asked The Choke. “Cleveland seems like a nice enough city… to leave.”

Obviously, the standout Duke talent is not attempting to endear himself to the city.

“Thank god I wasn’t born near Cleveland,” Zion Williamson said. “For real. LeBron had to be loyal to his neighboring city because of logistical semantics?!”

For his part, Dan Gilbert released a 33,000 word response. It wasn’t in comic sans, either. Instead, he cut individual letters out of magazines. We felt it best to not relay his statement, though, as there’s random nudes of himself in there.

Yuck.

Sixers reject Carmelo Anthony deal after reading the fine print

According to numerous sources, including Dean Moriarty, the Sixers have refused to agree to a deal that would bring Carmelo Anthony to Philadelphia.

The reasoning? Well, ain’t I sure as sugar glad you asked! It’s due to the fine print.

Sources, including other various fictional characters from On The Road, have told The Choke the potential deal had some wording jumbled in the middle of the deal, reading as follows:

You, the almighty Sixers of City Brotherly Love, not only agree to bring in Melo of Mighty Buckets, but do see zero issues in forever employing him. More bluntly put, House The Process, there are no give backs.

Yikes!

Basically, for those unaware of how super serious contractual agreements work, Melo’s team is saying the Sixers can’t, under no circumstances, cut bait from the wayward forward. Apparently he’s sour by his most recent teams, who decided he was awful minutes upon revival.

In even simpler terms, this is like buying expired milk at the store, but the supermarket refusing to give you money back on the investment.

Carmelo Anthony is expired milk, I guess? Hooray, Sixers, for reading the fine print! If only I had done so with my iTunes account.

Derrick Rose Admits To Addiction, Causing Enhanced Performance

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Derrick Rose has been doing pretty well lately, leaving plenty of fans in confusion over how he’s returned to playing at such an excellent level. According to the Wolves star, it isn’t due to some sort of neat workout regimen. Instead, it’s because he’s gaining powers from wearing costumes of himself.

“You see it’s all in believing in yourself like Batman,” Derrick Rose told The Choke. “So, each new morning, after having a cup of chocolate milk, I wear a Derrick Rose costume, pretend to be the MVP version of myself, resulting in my confidence shooting up to other-worldly levels.”

He would then go on to claim that he, while wearing costumes of himself, gains those superpowers through something called vegetables. When pressed on that idea, since vegetables is a food and not a galactic power-giver, Rose claimed vegetables as we know them have forever been a lie.

This story doesn’t end happily, though. Derrick Rose does admit he’s addicted to wearing these costumes.

“Sometimes my friends want to go out for a night on the town, yeah? But 2018 Derrick Rose is only OK. But if I put on that 2010 Derrick Rose costume, hey now!”

Rose then leaves our interview with his head down, saddened over the fact Father Time has apparently passed him by, but not his costumes.

“I’m going to go eat some Dinosaurs now. Please leave me be.”

Rajon Rondo’s 12-Year Quest Finally Completed With Flop On D-Rose

“THE CHOKE is a parody website. Everything seen and heard here is purely for entertainment and comedic purposes.”

Rajon Rondo has ended his 12-year quest by finally getting the flop he always wanted opposite Wolves superstar Derrick Rose.

“It’s a moment I’ve forever dreamed about,” Rajon Rondo told The Choke. “I’ve been working my entire career to get to a moment where I’d be able to dupe one of the smartest basketball players on the planet.”

When The Choke tried to explain to Rondo that Derrick Rose is historically known to not know the meaning of words, having once confused dinosaurs with chicken wings, Rondo went about his day without deterrence.

“People said I came to Los Angles to play with LeBron James, but those people were wrong,” Rondo said. “I came for this specific moment. This is my Christmas. My Halloween. My coming out party!”

As for Rose, he was less than thrilled.

“I am pretty sure Rajon just fell through a vortex,” Rose told The Choke. “I know you guys think he fell on purpose, but one of two things happened, and that’s not one of them. He either fell through a vortex or I’m such an amazing member of the species, my brute force and aura caused him to collapse to the ground.”

Ben Simmons claims he’s not a coward

“Just because I refuse to shoot from beyond the arc, it doesn’t make me a coward,” a tearful Ben Simmons told the Choke while hiding under a blanket watching highlight clips of Stephen Curry.

The electric Sixers point forward has come under heavy scrutiny the last few months over his inability to make a shot from behind the line. Or, more accurately, to even bother taking one. So far this season, Ben Simmons, in all this glory, has taken as many threes as you and I have.

You and I, mind you, aren’t even NBA players.

“Hogwash!” Simmons yelled when our intern suggested to “just try.”

“You see, down under, the three point line is actually a single foot away from the rim,” Ben Simmons tries to explain to us as he’s eating fermented cucumbers. “It isn’t that I’m not shooting threes. It’s that I am, but in Australia time… ya see?”

We don’t see.

For his career, Simmons has only taken 11 threes. To put that into context, your significant other likely cheated on you more times than the superstar has even attempted to take a three. Having made exactly zero of his attempts, for even more context, he scores as often beyond his range as you do at the bar during last call.

That’s right. I’m calling you ugly. But at least you’re not a coward like Ben Simmons.

J.R. Smith: I saw a Hennessy bottle At halfcourt

All the talk after Game 1 of the NBA Finals circles around Cavs legend J.R. Smith. And, by legend, we mean the guy who is as known for laying the pipe as he is at being a volume-shooter.

Late in Cleveland’s game against the Golden State Warriors on Thursday evening, Smith appeared to forget his surroundings. Not realizing the score or time remaining on the game-clock, he began to head toward the middle of the hardwood as his Cavs desperately needed a bucket.

Don’t believe me on this here website? Here is the wonderful bean footage:

This lack of awareness has resulted in something the kids call memes. It pictures LeBron James looking like his brain is attempting to escape his cranium while Smith is dribbling in the wrong direction.

After Game 1, Tyronn Lue claimed Smith did not know the score. For his part, Smith said he did.

That appeared to be the end of it… until ClutchPoints investigative intern Justin made a telephone call to Smith to find out more information.

“J.R. Smith? It’s Justin the intern.”

“Henny!”

“What?”

“I saw a bottle of Hennessy… that’s why I was going in the wrong direction.”

Safe to say, given how poorly J.R. Smith has been shooting in the playoffs, maybe this love of booze is why he is having such a hard time laying the pipe.

That’s what she said?

Anyway, did you guys know that there was a guy named LeBron James who put up a 50-burger on Thursday night? You’d think more people would be talking about that.